In their Point of View

Mar Roxas Journal

August 19, 2016 – 02:21 AM

Yesterday marks the 4th year of Jesse's passing. The invitation for a commemorative dinner for Jesse laid on my bedside table--untouched. A while ago, Tricia sent a text message reminding me that I should not miss the mass and the dinner, however, I didn't want to raise any hopes so I left it unanswered.

I'll tell you a secret, 4 years after Jesse's death I haven't moved on. I know I should, but every time that we arrive on this day the remorse that I felt always comes crashing in. If you are wondering why I left the invitation untouched, and failed to respond, it's because I am still drowning in guilt. If I could turn back the time on the day before that tragic event, I would not influence Noy to send Jesse instead in his supposed conference in Cebu, and so that plane will never be booked, and Jesse might still be alive. But that's not what happened.

"Pumunta ka na, you can send Jesse in the conference instead."

Noy seem to have hesitated and was weighing his response but I pressed him by playfully tapping his shoulder and teased him with, "Ikaw din, you'll miss the fun."

I could still remember the moment that I heard the news that his plane crashed, I thought that at any moment someone would announced it's all a joke and Jesse would appear and tell us that we have all been fooled. But no one did, the announcement never came.

August 19, 2012 morning was when I joined the rescue team, I can still remember how calm the sea was, and how salty the air. I haven't slept yet because I kept thinking and praying for Jesse. While we were aboard the fishing boat that would bring us in the spot, I kept going back on the night that I told Noy to send Jesse instead. Somehow, it felt like I was partly responsible for his death. If only I kept my mouth shut. I was so angry at myself that I didn't realize that I was clutching the edge of the boat so hard that the wood that I was holding on had penetrated the soft skin of the inside of my hand--drawing blood.

My tears started to roll down my cheeks unnoticed, and my throat was closing in as we come nearer to the spot. "Langoy, Jesse, langoy." I whispered hoping that my whispers will be carried out by the wind reaching him. "Asan ka na, Jesse? Please, lumagoy ka." I said brokenly, and wept.

I can clearly recall those moments like as if they just happened yesterday. Leni and the kids never knew why I felt obliged taking them under my wing, but I wanted to, because it was my cross to bear. It was partly because of me why Leni became a widow, and why the kids were fatherless. I'll carry them on my shoulder even if it means that I have to carry them until my last breath.

The clock ticked that snapped me back to reality. It was 09:00 PM and the dinner had already ended. I stared up at the sky as my tears rolled down my temples then clogging my ear. I allowed myself a few minutes to exhaust all the pent up emotions until there were no more tears to shed.

I read the last message from Tricia that was sent a few minutes ago before 9 and it nearly brought fresh tears on my eyes.

"You didn't arrive. :("

Just as Jesse never arrived.

I really didn't want to go to their condo at ungodly hour as it was already past 10:00 PM, but Tricia's last message continued to nag at the back of my head. No, Tricia. I will arrive.

Paolo should have been with me, but he was with already in Batangas. So I arrived alone with an ice cream, and a board game, I thought to bring something when I called and the maid confirmed that they were still awake.

The kids didn't know that I'd arrived so when I did, they shrieked in excitement.

"TITOOOOOO!!!!"

"So how are my three bears????"

I apologized for not making it in the celebration. I was glad that they were able to forgive me. Tricia particularly was the happiest to see me.

"Tito oks lang yun, at least naka habol ka."

"Yezzz, you still have 1 hour and 30 minutes bago kame magtampo." Jill said jokingly.

We played and ate until Leni arrived late at night. Leni was surprised to find me there at that time. Leni had been very busy for the past few days that we hardly saw and talked to each other. But I knew that she had been working hard, I never made a mistake in choosing her. I knew she would do well as a Vice President.

She agreed to join us in playing. The kids, Leni, and I spent the next few hours laughing, and teasing one another. We even had Paolo joining us through FaceTime.

When the kids had retired for the bed, Leni and I were left alone no longer playing but talking. What other people don't know is that: Leni and I had been each other's shoulder during those dark moments. She would call telling me her worries, and her pain. But sometimes she would call just to cry.

There was a time that she called crying that I ended up hurrying at their condo. I learned that she was alone there to take care of something, while the kids were in Naga. "Sec. Parang di ko na ata kaya." She said in between sobs. I pulled her closer until I had her crying on my shoulder. I couldn't say anything comforting, because her tears and her words just sliced me up. Look at what you've done, Mar.

She had fallen asleep on the couch while I took care of things, I ended up carrying her to her bedroom. When I had laid her down on her bed, I took the opportunity to study her face. I noticed her eyes were puffed from all the crying and had a slight darkness underneath for not getting enough sleep. She also had lost a few pounds. I brushed her hair away from her forehead and whispered, "Simula ngayon hinding hindi ko kayo pababayaan."

I don't know if Leni heard it, but I would like to think that she didn't. It was that commitment that I am carrying out up until this time.

"Ma'am, it's late na, alis na ako may pu-puntahan pa ako mamayang umaga. Pasensya na napahaba pa yung kwentuhan natin."

"Sec. Parang ano ka naman ... Hindi ka na iba sa amin, at ang tagal na rin natin di nakapag kwentuhan."

She brought me to the door, when we reached the doorstep, I turned and was about to say my final goodbye when she said almost shyly, "Sec ... I'm grateful na after all this time you have never forgotten us."

I smiled gently and embraced her. "Pamilya ko na rin kayo, at hindi ko kayo pababayaan." I think we stood there holding each other for a while until she had to let go.

When I got out of the building, and got into my car, I stared up at the windows of her floor and whispered, "Goodnight, Leni."

Before I end this entry, I'll tell you another secret that no one ever knew, during the 4 years of always being around each other, I had fallen in love with Leni. But knowing that I have no chance to experience to be loved by her was my punishment.

Maybe I deserve it, besides it was my fault all along.

Happy 4th year in the heaven, and I'm so sorry, Jesse. x

------

TBC: Leni's POV. :)