What Hurts the Most (Kirito)

What Hurts the Most

It was the day after Kirito had fought Heathcliff. He had been forced to join the Knights of the Blood Oath. He hadn't wanted to, of course, but Kirito had always been one to keep his word. That was just one of the many things I liked about him.

I sighed as I picked at the grass. It almost felt as though I was in the outside world again. But the sight of my blue and white clothing took me back to the wretched game: Sword Art Online. Laying back on the grass, I ran a pale hand through my hair.

He was supposed to be here.

The corner of the screen told me that it was already past noon. Kirito had said he would meet me at noon sharp. After that, he would be heading out with some members of the Knights of the Blood Oath. I knew that, once he headed out with them, it was unlikely that I would see him again.

We had grown to be rather close. Since he and I preferred to work alone, we didn't always group up. But when we did, it was easy to take down monsters. It was far easier to level up when I was with him. But Kirito had met Asuna, and now he spent most of his time with her.

It hurt. But I remained silent for his sake.

"Sorry to keep you waiting." A voice jolted me from my daydream. I cracked open an eye to see a pair of onyx eyes looking down at me. Black hair hung in front of his face, his mouth stretched into a large grin. "Heathcliff was reluctant to let me leave."

Instead of his normal black clothing, he wore the white and red material that had been forced upon him. It didn't look bad, it just didn't look like him. Kirito seemed far comfier in his own clothes.

"Don't worry about it." I fixed him with a small smile. As I sat up, I patted the ground beside me. Kirito took a seat beside me, staring out at the sky.

The blue was more vibrant in virtual reality. Everything had been designed to be a better version of what the outside world had to offer. If I hadn't been trapped in the damn game, I would have been able to appreciate it.

"You said you wanted to talk?" He turned his head to look at me. I nodded, though I couldn't bring myself to look at him. There was so much I wanted to say, but so little time.

I wanted to tell him how I truly felt. I wanted to tell him that I had fallen him from the very moment I met him. I wanted to tell him that I believed in him, that I always would believe in him. But I couldn't form the right sentences in my head.

"Are you okay?" His voice was laced with more concern this time. Furrowed brows met my gaze as I reluctantly turned my head. My wide eyes danced across his face, examining his features. It could have been the last time I would see him. "Come on, say something."

"You look weird in those clothes." I said, before glancing away from him. Kirito instantly looked down at the mash of red and white. He nodded, a melodic laugh escaping his lips. "Now I'll have to remember you in them."

His laugh immediately stopped.

"What do you mean?" The playfulness had left his voice, leaving only concern and worry. I realized that I had chosen the wrong words. Did he not realize that we would not see each other once he worked alongside them?

The Knights of the Blood Oath had hated me for a long time. I didn't play by the rules of the game and continued to surpass the game's expectation. After all, I hadn't earned my title of Blue Lightning by sitting back and doing nothing. They were constantly out to shut me down.

There had been a single occasion, on which they had managed to catch me off guard. I had been fighting a rather difficult dungeon boss by myself, darting here and there as I slashed at it viciously. My health was barely hitting the halfway mark as I finished the monster off.

As I stepped back to collect the loot, they had burst into the room. There had been a group of five or six, all ready to jump on me and hand me in. With wide eyes, I had selected a few health potions, and readied myself to fight.

I had taken on all six of them, bringing each health bar dangerously close to zero. I hadn't killed any of them, though. There was no way I would be able to live with myself if I'd killed someone because of the game.

So I'd taken my time lowering each health bar, before I sternly told them to stop tracking me down. I threatened to kill each and every one of them if I ever had to encounter the Knights of the Blood Oath ever again.

There was a bad history between myself and the Knights of the Blood Oath. Therefore, they would merely use Kirito as a stepping stone to chase me down again. It would be nearly impossible for Kirito and I to continue seeing each other, especially if the threat of being hunted was always looming over my shoulder.

"You know what I mean, Kirito." The words slowly tugged themselves out of my mouth. I wanted to cry. Every inch of my being felt saddened by the inevitable loss of my friend. Even if we were only ever going to be friends, I wanted him by my side. I felt safe with him. "You're with them now."

"So? If I want to go to a dungeon with you, they can't stop me." Kirito shrugged it off, leaning back on his hands. I sighed, wrapping my arms around my legs and bringing them to my chest. I rested my chin upon my arms, attempting to keep the tears at bay. "You're getting yourself worked up over nothing."

"But it isn't nothing, Kirito. You don't understand." I muttered, glaring at the horizon.

Of course he wouldn't understand. I wasn't telling him anything. My brain told me that I should tell him how I felt, but all communications between my brain and my mouth had dissipated.

"Then explain." He said, placing a hand on my shoulder. Instinctively, I shook him off. His hand dropped to the grass beside me, before he retracted his arm hesitantly. I was being unreasonable. It wasn't his fault. "I'm going to be late."

"I can't explain, Kirito." With that, I stood up. I brushed the grass off of my legs, turning away from him. "This was stupid. Have fun."

I went to walk away. My brain yelled at me. My heart yelled at me. A hand grasped hold of my wrist forcefully. Kirito spun my body round, his hand gripping my wrist so tightly that it almost hurt.

"What is this about?" His dark eyes met mine. He looked fierce, determined. He looked as if he hadn't seen several people succumb to this twisted game. I always admired that, too. Despite everything, Kirito continued to push forward.

I love you, I thought. But my mouth wasn't responding. All I could do was stare back at him. My gaze flickered towards his HP bar, then back to his face. My hand longed to reach out. My fingers longed to tangle in his hair. I love you so damn much. I want to fight for you. I believe in you.

"Seriously, what is it?" His grip on my wrist loosened ever so slightly. My eyes raked over his body once more. I missed his black outfit. I wouldn't get to see it again. I wouldn't get to see him again. The mere thought made tears appear in my eyes. As they fell down my cheeks, his eyes widened.

"Good luck." I whispered as he pulled me into a tight hug. From the way his arms tightened around me, I could tell that he was fighting tears, too. Just knowing that he would miss me was enough. A sad smile tugged at the corners of my lips. "I believe in you, Kirito."

With that, I swiped open my menu and left him. He stumbled forward as my body faded away. I closed my eyes tightly, allowing a sob to pass my lips. It echoed around the empty field, in which Kirito now stood alone.

I never managed to tell him. I never would be able to tell him. That was what hurt the most. Knowing that he would never be aware of how much I loved him.