Interviewer -- Now Mr. Zombie, to get things rolling . . .
Zombie -- MY NAME isn't ZOMBIE! Geeze, you normos. I have a name, just like you do!
Interviewer -- Well what is your name?
Zombie -- Would have been nice if you'd asked that to begin with.
Interviewer -- So are you going to tell us your name?
Zombie -- When you ask nicely, like you would for anyone else.
Interviewer -- Okaayyyyy, let's start again. Can we do a take 2 please?
Interviewer -- And we have here with us today, a real, live zombie! Would you please introduce yourself?
Zombie -- Well, that's better. But actually, real and live aren't really applicable to a zombie.
Interviewer -- Just tell us your *bleeping* name!
Producer -- Take 3 please everyone.
Different Interviewer -- G'day mates! Today we have with us . . .
Zombie - Now wait a *bleeping* minute! You didn't say anything about an aussie interviewer! Where did the other guy go?
Producer -- He didn't want to interview you.
Zombie -- Bigot! I want a different one!
Producer -- Why? What's wrong with this one?
Zombie -- Aussie brains taste like crap! I hate aussie brains.
Producer -- But you're not here to eat his brain.
Zombie -- I'm not? Then why am I here!
Producer -- To talk about what it's like to be a zombie.
Zombie -- Become a zombie and you can find out for yourself. That's an easy one.
Producer -- No thanks sir. We don't want to become zombies.
Zombie -- You're all bigots!
Producer -- No sir, we just prefer to be living. So shall we make that take 4? And let's get a different interviewer in here too please, because 'aussie brains taste like crap'.
Producer (to assistant) -- So who else have we got?
Assistant to producer -- Wellll, we've got that vampire dude . . .
Producer -- A vampire! (He grins evilly.) Yeah, let's set mister Uppity Trouble Zombie up with the vampire interviewer.
Zombie -- Well, since I'm back on the set, I assume you have a more appropriate interviewer for me now.
Producer -- Yes sir, we have the perfect interviewer for you.
Zombie -- I'll be the judge of that.
Vampire interviewer -- Welcome to our show Harvey! It's great to have you here.
Zombie -- What the *bleep*!
Vampire interviewer -- So tell us what it's like to be a zombie?
Zombie -- You! Why I . . . (yelling at producer) What kind of set up is this!?!
Producer -- What's wrong with this one? He too paranormal for you?
Zombie -- He *bleeping* turned my sister into a vampire! That's what's wrong with him! She was a perfectly fine zombie until he started hanging around her. Now she's . . . . . (grimaces in disgust) a vampire. My baby sister!
Vampire interviewer -- Hey! Don't get so bent out of shape! We invited you to the ceremony. Your parents came. They're even thinking about converting to being vampires themselves.
Zombie -- (sputtering and shaking in anger) Why I should just . . . .
Producer, to crew -- So tell me you're getting all this!
Lead cameraman -- Yep boss, we're getting every lovely second of it, from several angles.
Producer -- Absolutely great. (leans back in his chair, a huge smile on his face) Just perfectly wonderful. Just keep the cameras rolling gang. As long as they're going, we're going.
Assistant to producer -- Sir, we might get several shows out of this footage.
Producer -- I know! (delighted smile on his face as he watches the melee going on onstage) I think we've found our show hosts.
(Later on, somewhere else in the city, late evening. The vampire is walking along the street, when the zombie steps out of a doorway.)
Vampire -- There you are! (he says, with a big smile on his face.)
Zombie -- So can you believe that actually worked! (Zombie's skin is green, but smooth, and he is well dressed.)
Vampire -- Yeah! (the two fist bump and do a short celebration dance.)
Zombie -- I thought he was going to blow a gasket before he got to you.
Vampire -- I know! Your sister, she's one smart cookie.
Zombie -- Yep! So let's head home and celebrate!
Vampire -- You know what they want to call the show?
Zombie -- No, what?
Vampire -- The Zompire Show
Zombie -- Hmmm, that works. You good with that?
Vampire -- Yeah, I am. I mean, what are they going to call it anyway? The Vambie Show? (he says with a grin.)
-- The zombie gives a big laugh and they stroll down the street together. --
YOU ARE READING
The Zompire Show
Science FictionBecause, well, The Vambie Show is just all kinds of wrong. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I originally wrote this for another place, but want to share it here now. It's a zombie being interviewed, and what he go...
