Dear Diary

Dear Diary, 21/11/13

" Today was a pretty bad day :( Well... it started really horrible when i entered the class and everything was like the usual... Jen,Maggie and Chris came over and started pushing me around! They were calling me names and were really nasty... But well in these 4 years i'm going through hell i kinda got used to it. In the first 2 lessons we had maths and you know... maths is not my best subject so i failed and unfortunatly our teacher gave us our test back... an F... again :(( I wanted to cry but i had to hold my tears. Otherwise the others would have laughed at me again. I think i can't do this longer... i feel so empty inside and i just wanna leave...Everybody hates me... i feel like i'm the worlds biggest failure...I really need someone or i won't be able to handle the pain any longer!!"

Bye in love Anna <3

I put the diary away so  the adviser won't find it. After i put it into the ambush i put on my jacket washed away my tears and crept outside my room. I noticed that i forgot my keys in my room so i walked into the room, took the keys quietly and went outside again. I locked up the door and went downstairs.

After a few minutes...

I closed the front door and wanted to go to my favorite place when i want to be alone and i feel like i'm about to do IT again, but before i could leave the adviser came up to me and asked me why i was still outside at this time.

"Well i am 17 years old i think i can decide by my own if i wanna go outside or not !" , i replied in a bit provocative voice. "You should know that inhabitants from the children's home under 18 years are not allowed to leave the house after 10pm !" , Mrs Meyer answered in a strict voice, " So go back into your room and get ready for bed. You have to stand up early tomorrow... School !"

So i toadied back into the house right behind me Mrs Meyer who was starring at me. I ran upstairs unlocked my room and closed the door again.

Dear Diary,

" I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! Why is she doing that ?!?! I mean i will be 18 in 3 months so why i can't go outside ?? I just don't wanna be here anymore ! Can nobody see me dying from the inside ?? Are they blind or do they not have a heart ??... What has went wrong with the society that peopl don't accept and understand eachother ??? I will not be here for that long... I'm gonna go away from here ! Nobody can hold me here!! "

Bye Love Anna

I closed the book and put it back to the old place... and on the same way i went to the bathroom opened the armoire and took the box with painkillers and a razor blade. I went with these two things covered under my bath robe back into my room and locked the door. I started crying and i just felt the pain and the emptiness in my whole body...I swallow a few of the pain killers and made one cut after another... It wouldn't stop bleeding and i kinda got dizzy and because of the lots of new cuts i passed out...that wasn't the first time it happend that i passed out... i mean i'm cutting for 4 years and it went worse every time.

The next morning...

*knocks* *knocks* " Anna you have to get up!! School starts in 1 hour..." , Mrs Meyer shouted in front of the door, " I was here before and tried to wake you up, but now you really have to stand up!!"

Oh what the hell ?? i think i really passed out yesterday... i can't remember anything ! But well i don't have to remember i see what happend last night...

I looked down my arms and saw a lot of new cuts... and alot of blood on the ground. I took new clothes and went into the bathroom to get under the shower. After 30 minutes i was finished and the water on the cuts hurted like hell but now they are clean. I put on my clothes what were my favorite sweater and a normal jeans. Then i took a towel and went straight into my room to clean everything up...

After everything was done i packed my stuff for school and went downstairs. "No time for Breakfast Anna ! You're the last like always so the others have already left for the school bus so hurry up and you have to run!!" , Mrs Meyer shouted and kind of pushed me outside the door! So i started running to get in Time... But i failed The bus had already left. Now i had TO Walk The Whole Way from the busstation to The School. I thought of all The People in School waiting for me to bring me Down and i wasn't ready for that... so i descided to Turn around and go back to the children's home! As i came back Mrs Meyer had already left for her Second Job so Nobody was at home...Nobody who could STOP me!! I went upstairs searched for my suitcase in my room and threw it on my bed. I took all of my Winter Clothes, because it was already fall and the nights were really cold and all of my underwear and put them onto my bed. Then i went into The bathroom and collected my teethbrush, a Towel, Stuff for a shower and a bunch of Other things and brought them to my suitcase! Now that i had everything on my bed i started packing everything into The suitcase. When i was finished i closed it and started writing a Letter ...

This is to everyone who lives in the Children's home,

It will be the last time you will see anything from me... you can go into my room and see all the stuff i left here even when i'm gone! I won't come back you all let me go through hell by myself ! In all my childhood i had nobody... I couldn't trust anyone of you you weren't there for me! In school i'm getting bullied and you don't care you never noticed what was going on or maybe you did not want to know ! Now it's to late i'm leaving forever from this place... I may will miss you but not that much that it will stop me from leaving so

Bye... probably you will not miss me because there will be another child coming soon taking my place !

I stood up, took my suitcase another empty bag, the letter and went out of my room. Then i closed the door and brought everything downstairs. Luckily Mrs Meyer forgot her key for the box with our money so i took it and unlocked the box! I saw a lot of money... I've never seen that many but i took just mine. It was about 1000 dollars.

 "Wow I never knew i had saved up that much in the time i was here" 

I put half of the money in my purse and the second half into my suitcase and placed the letter on the kitchentable... then i went outside, a bit nervous and scared i'm going to leave the children's home. I stood in front of the house looking at it and i felt something really familiar running down my cheeks, but i washed the tears away, turned around and left.