Why Was I Ever Born

I was never supposed to be on this Earth apparently. I can never do anything right. I have always failed and when I don’t my parents never notice. Well to me it seems as if they don’t from where I stand. My life changed when I moved, nothing was ever the same. Every morning I wake up thinking, “I WANT TO DIE GOD! WHY DON”T YOU TAKE MY LIFE NOW?!?!” And those thoughts never stop. I go through the whole day every single day thinking the same thing. Life is not about rainbows, puppies, and unicorns. It’s about surviving. Fighting to live and stay alive no matter what. And so far it looks like I’m not going to survive the next big hit coming to me with as much fore as it took for me to be born. “GOD I DON’T UNDERSTAND! WHY DO YOU STILL KEEP ME ALIVE?!” How many times have I let you down and betrayed you, stabbed your back. Why am I like this? I have made so many mistakes and still keep making them I never learn from the first or second time I make it. I have tried so many times to kill myself but I can never make myself do it because I am too weak and stupid. I still get haunted at night with dreams about the move here, but most of the times they’re about the times when I was bullied and nearly killed by the bully. I still don’t understand why she didn’t just finish me right then and there, if she did I wouldn’t even be feeling what I am feeling right now. Death, Fear, Regret, Confusion, Hatred, Pity, and worst of all a Tolerance for everything that comes my way that I know I won’t be able to last for even a few minutes. Everything I have done should have brought a stone to the head and a shot to the stomach. But all I get is a pain in my heart that feels like a needle is piercing through, a gut-wrenching feeling no one can conjure but me, and a hollowness in my soul that nothing else can fill but darkness. I may want to die now, but I don’t want to die feeling like this. I want to die feeling as if I accomplished something worth the while. Not something that can be put in your back pocket and that is bound to get lost sooner or later. I want to feel loved not hated. I want to feel like a new person not an old wrinkly prune. I want to feel stronger and more powerful, knowing that I can do anything. But NO!!  What I get is a load of crap! To my mom, nothing I ever do is right, or how she likes it. AND I’M SICK OF IT!!! SICK OF IT ALL!!! I just want it all to end now. I want it to be done not too fast and not too slow, but just enough time to look at myself in the mirror and see the monster that I had become over the years, the painful look that will be in my eyes, the empty hole in my heart, and the love that will never fill it floating in the air, looking for a place to stay.  I have been so desperate to get things right, even once would have made me happy. I would have been able to say “I have the best life in the world.” But that is just a chance I will never get. I have only two choices given to me that I can make. 1. Live a life in Hell (AKA Earth) or 2. Don’t live a life at all and let God do the rest. Some days I want to choose Option Number 2 over Option Number 1. I bet you all the change in my pocket, that you would feel the same way as me, if you were in my shoes.