Endings

2

How is someone meant to come to terms with or grasp the fact that they've been diagnosed with a terminal disease that's undoubtedly going to kill them or leave them in some kind of devastating condition. I'm a 18 year old high school valedictorian who graduated with honours in both physics and further mathematics and who has also just been given admission into AUN( American University of Nigeria). I mean my life apart from the drug problem happens to be good, in some sense and now when I'm at an all time low my life decides to take detour and lead me into a more treacherous route, a route called cancer.
I could already see the tears welled up in my mother's eyes and the way her lips started to quiver, it was coming. She couldn't resist her motherly urges anymore. Yes she wanted to be strong and keep it together in order for her not scare or put more of a damper on an already horrible situation but she also couldn't fight her emotions. My mum, as strong as she is, was also quite emotional. I once saw her cry while watching a detergent commercial, she claimed that she had severe eye irritation but trust me she wasn't fooling anyone. My dad on the other hand, Mr Bukhar himself just sat there at the corner flipping through a magazine, acting as if all this didn't phase him regardless of the fact that I had previously heard him weeping in the bathroom. As proud as he was of me and my various accomplishments, my addiction was one of the things we both couldn't celebrate and that took a towl on our relationship and now that I have cancer our relationship is more or less going to be non- existent and that makes me scared.

I was sitting in the living room when Jamila came in with a bag of groceries and two of her friends. Jamila was the only one who didn't try to deviate from being her authentic self when she heard the news about my cancer. She just sighed and moved on..she knew that I didnt need to be burdened with other peoples emotions so she stayed who she was, for my sake. We hadn't made eye contact for weeks now and any attempt I tried to make in resolving the whole incident was in vain. She avoided me and made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me and I couldn't really do much about it especially after what I did to her. Her friends Halima and Luna were perculiar girls, peculiar in a sense that they didn't seem like girls Jamila would hang out with. Ever since the incident Jamila had been acting strange, she seemed to be in a bad mood 24/7, she would have dinner alone in her room and she would go hours and hours without even glancing at her phone which was exceptionally odd because all she could do before was be on snapchat all day everyday. I walked up to her and asked both Luna and Halima to excuse us and as soon as they did I simply asked Jamila what was going on.

"I'm worried jamila, you've been acting funny and you've been MIA for a while now..what's up?"

She just stood there and played with her bracelets.

"Jamila talk to me I'm your brother. I've apologized for what I did , so please just talk to me" I said in a sorrowful tone

"You don't deserve my adoration..just go away Ali"

As sad as I was to hear her say that, it was still one of the first things she had said to me in a week now so I wasn't that let down. Apart from the fact that she looked and was acting differently, I also noticed that she was clutching onto her bag as if it was her source of air or something but I didn't want to be rash and jump to conclusions so I just walked away.

* * *
I needed to get out of this Godforsaken house and visit one of my friends. The thing about cancer was that it took all the energy you had from you and left you with nothing, not to even mention the constant vomitting and tremendous pain you had to go through. How do I possibly stay sober when all doctors do is fill me up with pills? How??? My life was just a mess and all I needed was an escape from my reality and an immersion into my friend, Gloria's.
Gloria and I had been friends for a while now and she'd always had my back no matter the circumstances. She was a gem, I really appreciated her. We hadn't talked in a while so when I reached out to her she didn't hesistate to come up with a time and place to meet.

She was wearing this long dress that had this pattern that my eyes couldn't bare to tolerate and big aviator sunglasses. It wasn't something Gloria would wear but I guess she had changed since the last time we met up. We hugged and sat down. We were at Chloe's Cupcake Heaven, this shop that sold cupcakes and such but at ridiculously high prices.
Gloria was telling me all about how she met this new guy and how they both hit it off and honestly to me that wasn't the type of stimulating conversation I had in mind but I went with it. I wasn't sure about telling her about my cancer and all that was happening in my life so all I did was focus on what ever she had to say and nodded politely in agreement.

"Ali, you seem down. Are you okay?" She said

She's just noticing and that just kills me. The Gloria I knew would have picked up on things even before I sat down but now she seemed to be in some other head space.

"No, no I'm fine glor..I'm all good. Thanks for the cupcake babe, see you soon. Bye!"

We hugged and I got into my car.
I sat in my car for a while and started to sob. Things in my life didn't seem right, friends were changing and family members were becoming more and more distant. As I took my hands of my head a clump of hair followed and I just lost it. I don't know what or how to think, my hair was falling out and I couldn't resist the urge to cry more before driving home. I hate cancer!

I arrived home to find no one there. I have cancer and my "loved ones" aren't even here to support and take care of me, great. I warm up some left over samosa's from yesterday and sit down on the couch thinking of what movie to watch. Suicide squad seemed like the appropriate fit but friends had also been raving about finding dory, believe it or not. Half way through the movie after downing what I presume was more than a litre of water I rushed to the nearest toilet which was Jamila's to relieve myself. After ridding myself of all urinal fluids I proceeded to walk out but then I spotted from the corner of my eye the bag Jamila had been holding real tight earlier today. Part of me doesn't want to be a creeper and go through her things but the other part wants to ravish through her things and find out what's what. I pick up her bag and go through it thoroughly to find absolutely nothing but as soon as I drop her bag something plastic falls out. I pick it up only to realize that it was a pregnancy test. Jamila was preganant.