Heartbreak

Chapter Nine: I Know Everything

(Thackery)

I stare out the window of the coffee shop in town, hands wrapped around something warm to drink, after sitting outside on the park bench for most of the day.

I stayed there at the park not moving. Thinking about everything for a while. Drifting in and out of memories I had forgotten and never wanted to remember before I realized looking up, it was night.

I had been glued to the bench ignoring my phone and not wanting to leave. Not wanting to talk to anyone when all I wanted was to be alone. I wanted to escape away from the memories. I wanted to forget again what I did forget successfully for years but that's not going to happen. It's my own fault I remembered though.

I asked. I questioned repeatedly to find out the truth. I wanted desperately to know what I thought for years were secrets my family kept from me but I was wrong. I wasn't lied to but told the truth. I knew everything from a young age it was just me that didn't want to remember.

Maybe some family secrets are better left buried beneath the surface and not revealed. Maybe I'm unable to handle what has to be done to keep us protected. Maybe I'm too weak and easily affected by what has been going on for years.

I don't know but what I do know is I'm not okay. I'm not all right knowing the truth. I'm not okay when everything in my life seems to be going downhill.

The life and family I thought I had is turning out to have more dark and twisted secrets than I wanted to believe. People die to keep up an agreement and I'm not sure how I can get passed that. Knowing I knew all this time. Knowing I was upstairs asleep and I didn't remember until now.

Every year, every September our kind are killed to please Oliver and there is nothing I can do to change it. We had to be protected my father assumed and with werewolves around, we were able to live in peace.

Is it really peace? My idea of peace isn't innocent lives being killed but what do I know? I've known close to nothing for years and I was actually better off. I was fine living in a world that seemed perfect before the bubble of perfection I called my life burst and everything came crashing down.

I am dreading going back home to face my father when I can't be mad at him. I can't be angry even if I wanted to be because I know deep down he's only doing what he has to. He wants to protect us, he wants us okay it's just me struggling to come to terms with something I think is wrong.

But isn't it wrong? Isn't it horrible? Isn't it cruel and sick? What about the lives lost? What about them? What would have happened if I was picked because my father wasn't in charge? Would I be dead now? Years ago? Did I know any of them, all of them? How can he sleep at night? Do I want to know any more than I already do?

My skin is crawling at the image in my head not disappearing as it did years ago. Blood is all I can see and it's not going away.

"Hey, you okay?" Dominick's sudden presence taking a seat across from me gets my mind off of the blood.

I'm brought back to now seeing clearly, "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I go around the question. Not fully okay, wondering exactly how long he's watched me in this state. How long have I been here in the once empty coffee shop to a now busy place with people talking all around me?

"I don't know." he shifts in his seat, "I saw your brother River a little while ago. He asked if I talked to you or seen you around."

"Oh, well I'm fine. I just wanted to be alone." I stare back out the window at the dark sky watching a few people walk by before taking a drink of my lukewarm drink.

"Still want to be alone?" he asks and as much as I enjoyed my space I know I can't push everyone away forever. I have to stop sitting by myself in a corner as I have been. It hasn't served a great purpose back then and surely isn't tonight.

"No, it's fine." I shake my head.

"You want to talk about it?"

*****

I told him everything once we left the warmth inside and began walking around town away from everyone. I broke down and finally let the sadness and anger I bottled up out. I couldn't keep it in anymore because the way I feel isn't just over what I learned today. It's everything.

I started from today and what I found out and don't agree with but somehow along the way, I went back to another topic. Breaking down over what I didn't know was still bothering me but I should have known it was. It never went away, it didn't disappear and that's why I didn't want to think about it. I knew once I started to talk slowly the tears would follow and there would be no turning back from getting everything off my chest to someone.

Everything is hitting me all at once and I don't know how to cope. I wanted to believe I was okay. I thought I was fine after everything that has happened in the past year but I wasn't. I was getting by. Faking a smile. Busying myself with 'family secrets' that kept me away from dealing with the anger and pain I held inside.

I keep pushing back what's bothering me, what was lost. I'm not okay because of it. I don't ever talk about it. I don't let the subject be brought up of what was lost because it's a topic that I know will break me down as it has right now. I'll fall apart like I fall apart whenever I see River and Skyler's son.

I feel empty. I feel numb as I constantly search for the bad to display itself in front of me but isn't that the opposite of what I should be doing? Shouldn't I want happiness and stop dealing with life this way? Yet how can I when all the secrets have fallen into place and I know everything?