I cried. I felt as if I couldn't possibly do anything else. I rested my head against my knees. It had been a week. I haven't left my room since it happened. They said it was instant, he didn't suffer. How do they know? And how did he feel, in those seconds before dying? I miss him so much.
The truck... Oh god the truck. Why did it brake? I sobbed into my knee.
2 days later
He wouldn't want me to do this, sit in my room, falling through a black abyss and never landing, further and further from the light.
I stood on unsteady legs, and walked to the kitchen. I pulled bread out. Mouldy. "Ergh..." I pulled out the bin and dropped the loaf into it. I had to go to the store.
As I was walking down the street I saw a dull red leaf fall from above. I looked up. I saw an ocean of oranges, reds and yellows. I couldn't believe it was autumn already. I suddenly felt a hand on my back. I spun around. No one. I continued along the pavement. After a few steps I felt it again. I looked around again. Not a single person for at least 300m was behind me. I quickened my pace.
When I reached the store, I Walked through the small isles glancing at the products.
Suddenly I was falling, again, through a never ending abyss. Except this time, I landed. I looked up and saw him. I gasped. "Samuel?!" I stood up on shaky legs and walked towards him. "I'm sorry Jessica." He started to fade away. "NO! Samuel, come back!" I started to sob, then I started to scream. "I'll always be here, Jess." He walked towards me and held a hand to my heart. I tried to place my hand on his but there was nothing there. "SAM!!!" But He'd already disappeared.
"Ma'm, are you okay?" The shop assistant crouched next to me and held my hand. I got up without a word and gave her the nearest loaf of bread. "I just need bread." I said nonchalantly. I gave her the money and walked home.
That, night, I had another dream.
"Jess, you have to live. Go out, be with people. It will make me happy." Sam smiled down at me. "Don't you understand? I can't Sam, I can't. I want to be with you." I looked down at my feet. "I can't stand to see you like this Jess!" I looked up. Tears rolled down Sam's cheek. "Jess... Please."
That's when I woke up. My tears were dried on my cheeks making my skin sketched and shiny. I didn't know what to do anymore. I have no friends, and no family. I only had Sam. And he was gone.
Without thinking twice I stumbled into the kitchen. I pulled the cutlery draw open with such force that the knives clattered. I pulled a long, sharp knife out from the draw. I counted. 3... 2... "STOP!!! What are you doing?!!?" I looked around and saw my neighbour running towards me. Before I could think she grabbed the knife from my hands. "How did you know?" I said as I slid down the wall. After a while she finally said "Sam told me."
That night I felt really bad. Not sad, not ashamed, but bad. Because no matter how much Sam told me to live, I didn't listen. I realised that the best thing to do for me and for Sam, was for me to live my life. He would have wanted that. My neighbours words echoed through my mind.
Sam told me.
