On The Hollow Bench

The sky was cloudy today like yesterday, the day before, and the day before that. Rain was hanging in the air and the clouds had a dim, grey shade, making the world beneath drown in a gloomy darkness. But it was the first day in weeks with a break in the rainfall.
Despite the threat of rain Lovis and her son Mio had ventured out this tedious day, taking the risk of having to run back home in a torrential downpour. They had gone to the playground on the outskirts of the city, the playground closest to their own house.
Several other families had also defied the weather-reports and gone to the playground that was located right in between the forest and all the buildings. There, a large grass-field was filling up the area. In the middle of the field the grass ceased, giving room for a large sandpit with a jungle-gym in the middle of it. The sandbox was attracting all the kids, but the many benches surrounding it were better preferred by the parents. The adults on the benches were keeping a vigilant eye aligned towards the sky, and the children were playing in the sand, happily unaware of how quickly they might be forced to interrupt their play in order to escape the rain.
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Mio don't want to play with the other children. Instead, he choose to sit alone on the old swing-set standing a little bit away from the jungle-gym, right between the sandbox and the nearest buildings of the city. At the only bench standing next sits Lovis. She looks at her son where he lay on his back on the tire-swing, gazing up on the heavy, dark clouds. The swing loses momentum every time it changes direction.
On the other side of the playground, between the sandbox and the forest, stands a cluster of large maples. Beneath one of the trees, in a glade, I sit alone on a hollow bench. I'm watching them. I'm always watching them, but they don't ever see me.

Two months ago, I would've been sitting next to Lovis and together we would've watched our son play with the other kids. But there are things no human can control. I had to leave them. However, if I had known two months earlier about all the remorse and pain I would come to feel, I would have changed all the decisions I made our last day together. I want to go back to them, but that's impossible. The only thing I can do is to remember and rejoice about the happy time we spent together. Never will I forget when we went away on trips over the weekends, when the three of us snuggled up infront of the TV at Friday nights, or when we dressed up and stressed away for special occasions. Neither will I forget the small things, like eating dinner together an ordinary weekday. Every memory we ever shared is carefully stored deep within me. I miss them. I want to go back. But I do not exist in their world anymore, and never can I go back there again.

When the swing finally loses all momentum and stands completely still Mio sits up on one side of the tire. He turns his head towards me, straight towards the bench where I'm sitting. But he doesn't see me, he can't see me. Because I do not exist in his world anymore.

Two months earlier, I was on my way home after a stressful day at work. I was tired and slightly irritated due to another failure in the courtroom. Therefore, I won't say that I was a flawless driver on my way home. But it was not I who broke the traffic-rules and came driving far above the speed limit straight into the intersection where the blue Volvo had precedence according to the 'priority to the right'- system.
My blue Volvo had been completely destroyed in the crash, the left side of the car was totally crushed. The seat belt had no function in such an accident. My life had run out long before help came, and he who drove into me had fallen into a deep coma.
Why were you in such a hurry? What could possibly have been worth the risk of the accident that happened?

Mio looks sad and forlorn where he sits and glances toward the hollow bench in the glade passed the sandbox. It was two months since the accident took place, and still he hasn't even started to recover. He can not accept what happened, refuses to let go. Lovis on the other hand, had been forced to swallow her grief and move on in order to help her son. She repeatedly tried to make him leave history alone and move on, but he was stuck.

Mio still has his eyes fixed on the bench I'm sitting on, but then he looks down on the ground to jump off the swing.
Lovis do not notice when Mio starts walking away from the swing-set. She blindly watches the jungle-gym in the sand-pit and gets somewhat surprised when suddenly seeing Mio among the other children. He had left the swing and was now wandering through the muddy sand surrounding the play equipment. He seem to be heading towards an old, rotten wooden bench standing under a maple in a small glade on the other side of the playground. The bench where I'm sitting! Can he see me?

Mio passes the climbing-frame that children are rounding over and over. Then he continues to the glade, not stopping until he is standing right in front of me and the hollow bench. He looks up at me, and his gaze meets mine. Mio could see me! After a while he says, "Mom says you're gone, that you are never coming back to us."
Maybe at last he understands. Perhaps, he is finally ready to let go. I smile as I lean forth and reach for Mio, but stop in the middle of the movement as the fuzzy contours of my hand catches my attention. My whole arm is dissolving and disappearing into the surrounding air. I look up at the world around me and watch everything slowly being erased, piece by piece. I feel kind of uneasy watching it all go away, but I know everything is finally falling at place now. When leaving history behind, there is a future ahead.
I look down at Mio again and watch his sad face turn into an understanding expression. He smiles and says "Goodbye dad"
Before everything is gone I see Mio and Lovis, she had also come into the glade. I look at them one last time, and I know that the both of them can finally see some light in the future. Not by forgetting the past, but by accepting it, and remember the history which we forever have in common. I will live on there. But they can continue into the future without me now. The last thing I see before everything is gone is the sun piercing through the blanket of clouds, casting a brighter shade upon the world.