That Wishful Thinking
Life is not something to be played for. It is not just a mere game of chess, but a big unsolved and an inexplicable jigsaw puzzle. Every piece has a price, and every choice has its own consequence. Though you try to finish half of the puzzle you get yourself back to square one because of your uncertainties and fears. And those fears will gradually consume you until you can’t control yourself anymore.
Half of my life, I spent in education. Half of my life, I spent in going to school. And half of my life, those pieces of fears are exposed and revealed mostly when I enter the classroom. Like any other student, I am scared of my future.
I thought graduating from high school would give me a sigh of relief; that I would be able to take a rest from school. But no, so far it didn’t give me a sigh of relief. Because when I entered college, everything changed. The people, the school, the surroundings, even the air is different from what I naturally breathe.
Obviously, when entering college, your parents are there to support you and to encourage you. Unfortunately, mine does not. Well, they support me, yes, but in a way that they are already controlling me; like I’m some kind of robot to be given such authority to. I don’t even feel like I’m their daughter anymore.
Ever had that feeling when you were forced to do something you don’t like? I do. Even before I reached my senior year, I’ve been thinking day and night about what course would I take and how that course would take me. I thought of my strengths and weaknesses knowing if I can do it or not; if I can make my parents proud and all of the people around me, proud.
He told me that I should take up accountancy. He told me how great this course is. He told me that if I become a CPA I would get rich and be happy. At first, it was challenging, but the truth is, even if I strive hard to pass every exam and quizzes, I don’t know if I can be happy with it or not. Let’s just face that fact that this----is not me. This course is not for me. I don’t feel any excitement, or thrill of being inside of this program. I don’t feel any passion in it. I don’t feel any love for it----for I am not an accountant to be.
Negative thinking, I know. But should I just keep on lying to myself? Why take the risk of doing something that you know you won’t be happy in the end? Why work hard for it if it only brings you sadness? I am confused and I am scared. I am a coward. I can’t and I don’t know how to face my fears. I fear that I might break my father’s heart. I fear that people will be in disgust if I won’t be someone they want me to be. But most of all, I fear myself.
In history I find rest, peace and fervour. Ever since I was a kid I’ve always dreamt of being an archaeologist; to be able to be inside the wonders of treasures and artifacts; to know the fascinating stories behind every historical thing. And most of all, to be in an adventure where you can finally be happy with yourself. Isn’t that something to look up for? before your eyes, is your dreams---finally coming true.
Sadly, that dream has to be buried beneath my mind; where it only stays as a dream---just another wishful thinking.
And now here I am, trap inside my gallows---waiting for my dreams to rot; hoping for a second chance; praying for freedom. When will I ever get out of this program? It’s clinging onto me so tight that I have no strength to oppose it no more. It’s not that I hate this course; it’s just that, I don’t feel happiness. I don’t feel any contentment. Like I said, IT’S NOT ME.
How blessed are those who love their jobs. No matter how stressful and trivial the day is, they don’t get tired or even feel tired, because they love what they are doing. It describes them, their personality; their souls are intact in that job and their very hearts engraved on that dream.
But I still have my hopes, and I am nurturing it every day. Though there are doubts, I still won’t lose my faith. I know that God has given me this trial to see if I am ready on taking off on my own.
But these fears won’t stop haunting me until I face them head on. Choices are but choices. Simple yet confusing. I am worried of what the outcome will be when I make this choice. Should I step out of this course and step in into finding my dream? Or shall I stay and be in the current state that I am now? False hopes, false dreams---just another wishful thinking. And yet, a new puzzle piece was formed.
