I am not gay

I noticed there was a problem when I first fell in love.

Like all my grade school friends, I had lifted girls' skirts, I had made, then understood, sex jokes, we had found porn magazines at a friend's big brother's or an other's. I had a super normal childhood, with my best friend Timothy, and other buddies. Then we started junior high, and I was in the same class as Tim. Our other friends were in other classes but we quickly made new friends, and once again, sex jokes in the locker room, hitting on girls for fun, porn magazines. I hit puberty and never asked myself, didn't need to.

Until Tim went out with a girl in seventh grade.

He was my best friend and I was mad jealous. I didn't want him to be with a girl, I wanted us to keep hanging out together. He wasn't even in love! They were going out just to show off. It was true that Tim was quite handsome, the girl must have been happy to claim he was hers.

And then I noticed Tim was handsome.

He had beautiful eyes, blue in an almond shape, with long and thin eyelashes, that gave him some girly eyes, but it made him really cute. He had a good-looking guy's face, like the popular kid in movies that take place in school. He was quite popular himself. He had bright white teeth and a large smile not the littlest hypocritical. In short, he was gorgeous.

After having that thought, I could never look straight at Tim again.

He got bored of his girlfriend but when he came back in our squad, Ididn't talk much to him anymore, pretending to have a new best friend, the tallest in our squad, the very obnoxious and loud one that made funny and witted jokes in class.

And then we had a fight, because I wans't talking to him and it pissed him off, because he didn't understand why, and he grabbed my arm, and his contact had me feel real weird, I felt like a enamored girl,my heart was beating fast and I blushed. Luckily I pretended it was anger, and he told him not to talk to me anymore, and we parted away. Through the year, since we had the same friends, we learned to bear with the other's presence, to talk cordially to each other. I never looked at him in the eyes.

In eight grade, we weren't in the same class.

I kept talking about girls in the locker room with my new friends. I had a girlfriend, then an other, but I didn't care, I didn't feel anything for them. However, porn aroused me. I worried, I thought maybe I was gay. But I had always changed in the guys locker room and it never had unsettled me. I watched a gay porn, I didn't feel anything. I wasn't intersted. I breathed.

I had an other girlfriend, we agreed we didn't like each other and that we were going out to pretend. We groped each other a bit, it was fine. I had a boner while looking at her breasts, I was reassured. But I still wondered why I fell in love with my best friend.

In ninth grade there was an other guy, Julian, tall and with an handsome face, he played obnoxious in class but had actually good grades, teachers liked him, and he was the most popular in our class. He wasn't in my group of friends, but we talked to each other from time to time.

About at the middle of the year, I started blushing when I talked to him.

Then just when I was looking at him.

I went out with a girl again, and we had sex, but I didn't like her. I was in love with Julian, but I wasn't attracted to him, I mean, I tried to look at him in the locker room, but I was never aroused by his body. It was real weird. I really was the straightest straight, except the only two people I fell in love with were both guys.

I never told anyone, of course. I kept going on in life, going out and having sex with girls I didn't like. I sometimes fell in love, always with boys. But I wasn't gay, why bother trying. In last year of highschool, in my friends group, there was a gay one, Lukas. We teased him a bit, just for fun, and then we left him alone. Plus he was really funny, and he always turned the jokes we told him into jokes about straight people. It was hilarious. We were pretty close, but at that time, I didn't want to be intimate with people, to avoid falling in love with a friend and ruining our friendship like it had happened with Timothy. In the locker room we still teased him from time to time but he always took it well.

Then one day, we set up a hang-out with the whole group, and we ended up the both of us like idiots.

We decided to go for a drink anyways, and he confessed to me that the locker room jokes bothered him but he never showed he cared because otherwise he would be picked on. I promised to myself not to tease him about that anymore. I asked him if he ever fell in love with a girl even if he was gay, and he said 'yeah, in grade school, like everyone'.

I wasn't like everyone. I didn't say anything.

We drank a bit too much, it wans't the first time I was drunk, but it was the first saturday in plain afternoon, it was weird, but fun. He suggested to play video games at his, we had fun all the rest of the afternoon. Then when I was about to go, he told me he was in love with in boy in our class. I asked him why he was telling me and he said I was his best friend. I don't even know why, but I panicked. I didn't want to have close friends anymore, and plus, he was gay! I left saying nothing and the monday, he had his usual face, he was joking, so I thought everything was okay. I forgot about it.

At the end of the year, we met on graduation day. The atmosphere was awesome, people had brought firecrackers and even booze, we had all graduated, and Lukas suggested to go to his, so we all settled in his living room with more booze, it was great.

Eventually the others went home and I found myself alone with Lukas. That's when he told me I was the guy he was in love with, that he understood I was straight and he wanted to tell me juste because he wanted me to know. I panicked again and went home. Though, I thought one alone in my bedroom, I was glad he told me that on the last day of school, otherwise the year would have been awkward. Since I was still a little drunk, I sent him a text to tell him so. He replied he was a little sad, but it wasn't the first time he was rejected, and he would get over it eventually. I asked him if he wanted us to keep being friends in college, but he didn't want to because it would give him false hope. I shrugged.

Now I'm several years through college, I didn't go out with any girl since high school, I had sex when I went out, but I never could care. I like their bodies, but I can't fall in love. And I miss that a lot. Not being able to control that always bothered me. I want to fall in love with a girl, a girl with I could enjoy fully when I would sleep with, and even yet, if only I was gay! Why can't I be aroused even when I'm in love? It messes me up not being able to chose between sleeping with a girl I feel nothing for, or being in love with a guy and not being able to have sex with him.

The other day I met Lukas with his boyfriend, they've been together for three years. I was happy for him. And yet I had this bitter resentment for not being able to be happy in a relationship as well.

I think it isn't fair.

I fonly I was gay.