Dear you
Do you ever feel like running away? From everything. And everyone. Simply, because you don't believe in yourself. You feel lost. Alone. You don't feel like you're good enough for anybody or anything.
Ever been that one kid who was once happy? Who had all her or his friends, and everything just seemed simple back then? The only pain you felt was the little bruise you had on your leg, because you fell down from a tree or something, which in that case would heal. Not the one you feel in your chest that's killing you. Tell me, how was it to be that happy kid? Do you remember?
Humans are awful. We hurt the ones we care about the most. We judge. We can't stand one another. Think about it. Wouldn't it be so much easier if our feelings had an on and off button, but than again, it wouldn't really be that great, because you could hurt that one person who really likes you if you turn your feelings off. Life is difficult, but we have to live it. God has given us this life, because he believes that we can survive, and we have to show that yes, we can.
But what's the point of trying when you don't believe in yourself? There's no point in saying:''I'm the best'', when you really don't feel like you are. Those stupid little voices in your head telling you that you're a worthless piece of shit is.. Those voices are starting to take over you. Control you. And you can't stop them, because you believe in those words. Even though you know they're ugly, you still believe.
You wake up every single day repeating the same thing over and over again, and you're so sick of it. You're so sick of almost experienceing the same thing every single day, you're sick of waking up every single day wanting to go back to bed again, because you have nothing to look forward to. Just the same plain old thing. Waking up, survive, go back to bed. Waking up, survive, go back to bed.
And the smile. Let's not forget about the voice inside your head that says:''Fake that smile of yours. Nobody cares anyway.'' And you believe in that too, because if people really did care, they would've asked. But no one does. Sometimes, when a simple girl walks up to you, graps you by the arm and asks:''Are you okay?'' and you say:''yes'' and she nods.. Yea, you just wanna punch her so hard in the face, because no, you're not okay. But of course, that smile fools them all. You're happy, right? Smiling in school and around friends. Making it look like it's real. Coming back home and breaking like a little child who has to go to bed, but refuses. Is that happiness? If so, then I have been truthful my entire life.
Those walls around your heart are so tall. It hurts you. A lot. And when someone tries to help you, you're in defense, because you believe that you can handle everything by yourself. You believe that you handle your breakdown. You believe that you're able to control whatever takes your pain again, but no. You're fooling yourself, but you don't see it. You can discuss for hours about how worthless and how much trust issues you have, and tell them to leave you alone when in reality all you want them to do is stay, but if someone keeps arguing with you about it, you'll eventually let in. You refuse to think like that, but you know you will, and it scares you. Luckily for you, no one has really managed to pull that trick on you, so every single day you're more and more in defense. A lot of people take it as something like afraid of being helped. But the truth is, that you're scared. But no one gets that.
So.. Basically! You only have yourself.
Thanks for listening, you.
