Special
By Claire McInerney
Awake
I woke up screaming in the dead of night, my bloody ears cold, my sheets twisted and covered with the sweat, my dreams driving me mad, like always. Icy winds blew the curtains around with a startling fury, as I stumbled to the windows and clasped them shut. The beads of anxiety dripped down my face and made their way down my body as if to shower me with pain and remorse. I knew I could never forgive myself for what I had done, but why did It force the inner demon within me to come out and cause me to suffer? This wasn't fair to me, but maybe the unrecognizable half of me might have enjoyed this evil state of being. The It.
I stared longingly at the white moon as if mesmerized by its beauty or rather it's fascinating manner, for what a better life I could have pursued, if I hadn't taken up that unfortunate fortune. What a peculiar thing; one day, a large object called a "moon" decided it was going to stick to the Earth and follow the Laws of Gravity and revolve around us as if we were the king of its world. Strange. But life didn't matter much anymore. It was merely a gift given to human beings that was abused and brought our race to this.
That morning, I watched the beautiful sunrise with it's yellow, pink, and orange pastels painting the sky, in wonder of how such a sight could fill a living soul with such warmth. Such comforting warmth. It was such an unnatural feeling for me. All I had ever known was treachery, horror, depression, and anger. That feeling of warmth was phenomenal, but the sensation was like water so hot it feels like cold fire; comfortingly chilled, but flames of pain seeping into your skin.
The freezing water made me cringe as I rinsed the blood out of my numb ears. The infinite ringing and the voices that drilled holes into my brain played over and over every day while I dragged on pleasing everyone. Except myself.
It was the same all of the time. The lives of us, as humans, were just agendas that we checked off every day; routines of the same set schedule that played over and over and over again. It was a never ending loop. Our existence was finite, although our pathetic, singular lives were repetitively endless. They might have thought their lives consisted of variation, but they didn't. Even though they might have participated in activities, had hobbies, and worked, it was the same; they suffered and then they died. There was nothing more to it. I just waited for my suffering to end, because that's what we all did. We waited. And waited. Until everything ended. Once and for all.
I heard the slip of something beneath my door and caught a glimpse of the small tin tray topped with a glass cover waiting for its metaphorical end by the door. I dumped it into the trash disposal in the corner of my chamber after I had removed the glass cover and added it to my collection resting on the pale shelf above my bed. After I'd discarded the sedatives, I trudged to the dresser scratching the backs of my dry, cracked and bloody hands. I sucked the blood off of my frigid knuckles as I examined the outfits hanging in the clothes compartment next to my bed. It was opened using a combination I had remembered since the day I came here 8 years ago. 1-2-8-1. The wall would then reveal the opening and it would disappear into the floor. They're all the same. The uniforms all ESs(Enrichment Suits), short-sleeved, light grey outfits with neon green trimming. Grabbing the least wrinkled one and brushing the dust off of it, I entered the prep room. I cleansed myself with an assortment of soaps, shampoos, and conditioners, while treating myself to the relaxing pleasure of steaming hot water. The body lotions and oils I used emit a strong aroma of "sweet tropical fruitiness" into the air. The scents roamed about, intoxicating me, sending flashbacks and dreaded, forgotten memories I didn't want to remember into my head. I tried to concentrate, slowly putting on my ES(Enrichment Suit). Miserably, I got out of the prep room, coughing and vomitting on the clean, white tile, turning it a murky yellowish brown color. The hall began to spin as I sobbed weakly and endeavored to reach my bed. Everything faded out to black. Just like a movie. And at that terrifying, yet beautiful moment, I was so close. So very close to having to stop waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Forever. And ever. And ever. So close to reaching the end. The magnificent, brilliant end of the journey I had been yearning for, but was prevented from reaching. I extended my arm to death, but He did not take me willingly into his arms. He didn't set me free. It just couldn't be that way. As I was falling away from consciousness, I could hear that one voice again. All the other voices fell back as this one came forward and spoke to me in a gentle hushed voice. It was Her. I did not know Her name or who She was or how She was related to me, but I knew Her. She was here to save me. She was hear to open the cage and set me free. She was the Key.
* * *
