unlovable

part 1

my name is vanessa, and before this roller coaster begins let me give you a backstory.

i met the most amazing person ever almost one year ago, and i'm forever thankful for it.
everything was so beyond perfect, i was the happiest i've ever been. i was/am so completely in love with this guy.
his name is caleb.
one night, him & i were talking like normal.. everything was great.
the next day, he became so cold, so distant.
my heart broke a little when he said he was supposedly an "asshole" now..
but he isn't. he never was & still isn't.
all i wanted, was him. i gave him my all, and it wasn't enough. there's no reasons behind it, except maybe that he wants me to leave him to "find better" or because he wants to be hurt, maybe i made him unhappy?
i still love him & want him more than anything, i just keep asking myself.. what was real? what was bullshit?

so there, you are now caught up.

----

"nessa, don't say that." jordan slaps my shoulder in frustration.
"why else would this have happened?" i sigh and sink back into my bed.
"i don't have the answers for you, but it's surely not because you're not hot enough. are you kidding?" she rolls her eyes.
"i suppose he did tell me i should be a model.." i begin, but stop quickly as i feel a lump rise in my throat.
my eyes sting. this happens too often.
"i'm so sorry.." she rubs my shoulder.
"i-i really miss him, jordan." i feel a tear spill down my cheek.
i realize what i'm doing and groan.
i wipe the tear away & grab my pillow.
"it's gonna be okay." she tries to comfort me.
i put the pillow over my face and yell.
"okay, okay.. stop. we gotta get your mind off him.. and gotta get you out of these sweatpants.." she speaks softly.
i pull the pillow off of my face and glare at her.
"you think i want to feel like this? that this is fun!? i just am lost right now, jordan!" i feel myself start to heat up.
i take a deep breathe.
"i'm sorry." i shake my head and roll over.
she pulls out her phone, presses a few buttons and then puts it against her ear.
"jake. is there a party at chad's tonight?" she questions.
i sit up.
"okay, great. thanks babe." she hangs up and gets out of my bed.
"what are you doing?" i question.
"being a good friend." she says, whipping open my closet door.
"WHOA-WHOA, are you planning to get me to go to this party? where there will be DRUGS? and ALCOHOL? hold on, naughty girl." i say.
she turns her head and looks at me in ultimate confusion.
i look at her with a serious face, and then slowly turn it into a smirk.
"that's my girl." she giggles and throws me a thin, black dress. she walks to the corner of my room and changes into extra clothes she brought while i slide the dress on.
her eyes rake over my body, "damn girl, you look hot."
"thanks, jordan. you're the hottie, though. we're about to slay that party." i smile & slide my heels on.
i walk to my vanity and apply mascara & lipstick.
i spray perfume across my chest. i adjust my hair.
"let's go, queen!" i hear her yell from the kitchen.
"coming!" i laugh, walking out of my bedroom.
as i pass the door, i feel a pit arise in my stomach.
probably from lack of eating lately. i ignore it, grab my purse & follow jordan out the door.

----

"isn't this party great?" jordan yells over the music.
the smell of alcohol, sweat & marijuana is overwhelming.
i smile & pour myself more vodka.
"to forgetting him!" she raises her red plastic cup to mind and we chug the whole thing together.
jordan wipes her mouth, "i'll be right back."
she disappears into the crowd in the living room.
i pour myself another cup of some sort of vodka and lay on the staircase. a couple is having a passionate make-out session near me.
love is awful. love hurts. i love it, though.
i take another swig of vodka.
my vision is becoming fuzzy, my body is going numb.
i giggle & take out my phone, opening my contacts.
i scroll down to the familiar contact.
i press on it, and scroll to the bottom.

DELETE CONTACT

it stands out, bold in a deep red that my drunk eyes can read. i giggle.
i get up from the stairs (almost falling, anyways) and stumble to the front door.
i leave the house & stumble to the front of the driveway.
i can see my breathe, it's cold. it matches how i feel on the inside, now.
i slide up from the delete contact button to the phone button and press call.
i put the phone up to my ear, it rings a few times and on the third ring-- he surprisingly answers.
"vanessa." he speaks in a deep tone.
"ooh! professional, oh professional caleb! to what do i owe the honor?" i slur, giggling.
"vanessa.. what's going on?" he asks with a hint of worry.
"caleb.. why would you care?" i mock his tone of voice.
"where are you?" he questions.
"i dunno." i pace on the driveway, my heels clicking slightly against the pavement.
"you don't know where you are?"
"i think that's what i just said." i roll my eyes.
"ask someone, please.." he says, quietly.
i start to walk up to a brunette girl, but spin around quickly.
"no. you don't care about me anymore." i protest.
i can't feel a bone in my body anymore. standing up is getting harder.
"vanessa... of course i do.."
"of courseeee you do because you left me." i slur.
his end stays silent.
a part in my brain clicks & i look to the screen.
"why am i on the phone with you, byeee!" i laugh into the phone and click the end button.
i sigh & shove my phone in my bra.
i stumble back into the party & find my drink on the stairs.
i grab it & take another big gulp, it burns slightly running down my throat but i love it.
"there you are! i'm gonna go up to a room with jake, are you gonna be okay for a while?" jordan asks, looking in my eyes.
"yes!" i giggle and hold up my cup.
"okay, be safe." she says & kisses my head, then follows behind jake upstairs.
i take a seat on the stairs again, taking another sip of my drink. i feel a pair of eyes on me. a boy standing across the room has his haunting eyes locked on me.
i blink rapidly in confusion, and then he's gone.
i can hear my heartbeat, my skin heats up.
my head begins to pound, i'm dizzy from sitting.
what the hell is going on?
this isn't the alcohol.

wait.........

there's only-- oh no. oh no oh no oh no.
there's only one thing i can think of.
i've been drugged.
i instantly pull together what strength i have and try to fight the spell overwhelming my senses.
i stumble to the door, whipping it open and dropping my cup along the way.
i attempt to scream for help to the random people outside, but nothing comes out.
i feel my body getting weaker, and weaker.
i try to fight it, but it's overwhelming every sense i have.
i feel my body collapse onto the patio. my heartbeat is the only thing i can hear. voices fade in.
"take her, you idiot!"
"no, you take her!"
the sound of a fist connecting to a jaw.
"get the fuck away from her!"
and then i hear nothing.
i only feel the darkness.

---

the first thing i feel are the sheets below me. i open my eyes and sit up quickly.
where am i? what the hell happened?
things begin to rush to me. the party.
what happened? oh- oh no. pounding headache, burning eyes, this is not an ordinary hangover.
was i--? oh god, if someone touched me i swear-
"hey." i feel a familiar hand on the small of my back.
i adjust the focus of my eyes onto the room, the walls a dark grey, the tiger print sheets..
oh my.
"caleb." i exhale a breathe i didn't know i was holding in.
i turn to him & i have to look away.
he's not yours. he's not yours. stop it.
he hands me a glass of water from his nightstand.
"thank you." i say, quietly and take a sip.
"of course...." he pauses, then continues, "i was so worried about you.."
i'm glad i swallowed the water i had in my mouth.
i hand him the glass back & run my fingers through my wild hair.
i always have a hair tie on my wrist. i tie my hair into a messy bun.
"thanks for everything, caleb, but i really shouldn't be here." i say, getting out of his bed.
i notice the black dress folded on his dresser top.
i look down to find myself wearing his t-shirt & boxers.
it's a cute outfit and it smells like him. a huge part of me would love to lay down & just breathe him in & hold him close & talk to him, but, it's not right.
i think for a moment & realize.. if i'm wearing.. then..
"you saw me--" i turn to face him.
his eyes rake my body and then he gives me a small smile, "that dress couldn't be comfortable to sleep in, it smelled like alcohol.. i'm sorry."
i feel myself get mad but then i take a deep breathe.
he helped you. he wanted you to be comfortable. you trusted him, you still do. you're safe.
he saw me in my bra & underwear, nice. hope he enjoyed.
"thank you." i smile.
i don't really know why i'm standing up, it's not like i can leave. my car isn't here.
"do you know where my phone is?" i ask him.
he runs his fingers through his hair, i like what he did with it. i bite my lip trying to hold back everything screaming within me.
"yeah, i charged it for you." he says, picking it up.
"thank you." i walk to him & take it from his hand.
our fingers touch much more than expected and a chill shoots down my spine. i stare into his eyes and i'm surrounded by the stunning color, once again.
i shake my head, snapping out of the trance.
i sit on the bed and open my phone to a million notifications.
i immediately text jordan to come get me. she replies fast, she's on her way.
"are you okay?" he asks.
i lock my phone and place it in my lap.
"do you want me to be honest?" i say, quietly.
"yeah."
"no. no, i'm not okay. i haven't been. i want to be, but i haven't been." i mutter, putting my face in my hands.
"hey, i'm sorry. i'm here for you." i feel him begin to rub my back and everything in my body melts under his touch.
everything in me begs to be in his arms, begs to kiss him, begs to say every word in the english language to him.
begs to be with him.
but, i can't.
he doesn't love you anymore.
he doesn't want you anymore.
the day he ended things is when things truly began for him. don't do this, vanessa.
i hear a car door slam, interrupting my thoughts.
"she's here." i whisper.
he remains in his bed & i jog down the stairs and out to jordan's car.
she hugs me tightly & hands me leggings and a sweatshirt.
i thank her & run to the bathroom, changing quickly.
"i'll be right back." i say to her.
i walk back up the stairs, his folded clothes in my hand.
he remains on his bed, staring out the window.
i knock softly on the wall.
he looks to me & smiles.
"hey, thank you. for all of this, for everything..." i say, placing the folded clothes on his bed.
"of course, anytime. i'm glad you're safe." he stands up and walks to me.
my breathing speeds up a little & i don't know what to do.
he wraps his strong arms around me & every bad thought i'm having disappears.
i take a deep breathe and nestle my head into his shoulder.
i feel okay. bless this amazing guy right here.
i feel our tension release a little, and i feel more comfortable.
"i should probably go." i say, quietly.
we disconnect our hug & i grab my dress quickly.
i start to exit the room when i hear him behind me.
"vanessa, wait..." i hear his voice crack.
i stop but don't turn around. tears form in my eyes.
it's silent for a moment.
then he speaks, "t-text me when you're home safe?"
my heartbeat is too rapid to say anything.
i nod slowly, and then continue walking.
i walk away from the one person who i never want to leave.