09/10/2016 Does time really heal?

Learning to cope

They say that time heals all wounds, whether it's a scraped knee at a playground or losing someone you love. Although it may be true, that the pain can be better ignored with time, I believe some pain stays with us forever. A mark is embedded in our souls bringing pain whenever it moves. I had just gotten over my last truly scarring moment, when it happened again.

Different guy, different place, and I was inebriated. He followed me into the bathroom and groped me and took off my pants. I kept telling him to let me go, but he just kept repeating "it's okay, it's okay" as he whipped out his dick. I fell. I couldn't see. So I closed my eyes to let my vision settle. I could feel my legs Being opened and he was over me now. I could feel his slobbery kisses on my face and for the first time in years, I felt completely hopeless. I wanted to fall asleep but I knew if I stopped protesting I would be done. He kept moving me and pulling me around by my hair. It hurt but I was too drunk and scared to concentrate on the pain. Physical Pain didn't exist in those few minutes because I was on fight or flight. I would have flown away but I couldn't walk by myself very well, much less overpower a man taller and a good 60 pounds heavier than me. I stumbled trying to get up and he held me pulling my hair to make my head move to him so he could plant more wet "kisses" on me.

Finally, he saw he probably couldn't get to have sex with me at this rate so he sat me on the toilet and guided my head over to his dick. I kept pulling away, "what are you doing? Please let me go. Let me go, I can't... Where am I?" Were all things coming out of my mouth. I don't remember everything clearly, and I might have been unconscious for a short period when I fell, as I think I might have hit my head. So I don't know if he actually got inside of me or if I'm safe. I don't feel safe. Today I had another panic attack thinking about it all. I kept saying "don't touch me!" And curling into a ball. Heh. I have a similar defense mechanism to an armadillo or one of those rollypolly bugs you'd play with as a child. Not very effective though. Not in my case.

I need to get out of Austin. Get away from these people. That's why I can't tell my parents. They will think I can't take care of myself. I feel gross and disgusting again. I feel like it's all my fault. And people will judge me if they find out. Some people just ignore it, thinking it's not a big deal. This is a really big deal in my world. I couldn't move I felt helpless, and I was being roughly moved, pulled, and molested whilst trapped in a bathroom with a strange man.

It's funny, the things I can remember. The things I concentrated on to escape. I remember there was a cat in the bathroom. I remember taking comfort in that. The cat won't hurt me, it could maybe be a scape goat... But once I felt true danger all comfort melted away and all I was left with was an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness. I just want to be done with all this. I want to be done with these people. I don't want to be here. But I know I must go on and pretend everything is fine. I don't want to be looked down upon or thought of as weak. So I will try not to let this experience change my life too much. I'm not going to stand still for this.  But this has changed me.

Time will hopefully distance me from this memory. But I will still have major trust issues. I will still feel the pain, the loss, the terror, the helplessness from this event for the rest of my life. Just as I still remember the first time that happened to me. Time does not heal all wounds it just helps us to forget for a moment, that's all.

So here's to forgetting and hoping for change! I hope none of you have had similar experiences.

Love and respect,

Margo Elizabeth Ross