Truly

I hear beeping. All the time. It’s always there. Floating just out of reach. Just out of my grasp. It’s quiet sometimes but then other times, it’s so loud I want to rip off my ears and bury myself in my misery. It scares me. Like this life I’m living isn’t real. I feel like I could be living in a dream. Like my whole existence isn’t real. It’s my mind imagining my life. I’m scared that I will wake up in a hospital and this beeping is what’s keeping me alive. But what scares me most, is that I won’t even be disappointed. Because the life I’m living right now isn’t worth crying over. It’s not worth the despair most people would go through. I would probably just rip out the cords myself. I would end it. End it all. End all the suffering, all the pain it would be gone. And I would be ok with that. I will be ok with that.

I drop the book on my bed and stare across my room at the photos on my wall. What if that was one of them? The people I thought I knew most might just be the people I know least. I hate how I get like this, so emotionally attached to a book. I catch the tear with my pad of my thumb before it escapes my eye and rolls down my cheek. God Alexa, you’re such a drama queen.

I give myself a minute to calm down before I hop of my bed and pad across my room to my overflowing book shelf and add it to the collection. I stand there deep in thought imagining my life. How different it would be if my parents or parent in my case now were like hers. Distant and not loving. Sure my mum is tough. But she just wants what is best for me. I think. Cottie seems to notice my sour mood and trudges across the floor to me lying down right across my feet instantly warming them.

“You’re a good girl” I say as I pet her head. She purrs instantly at my touch.

“It’s you and me girl. It’s us against the world.”

Her big blue eyes look at me after that comment. I never know whether she’s responding to my voice or if she can actually hear me. For the sake of my sanity I hope it’s just my voice but I do sometimes wish she could talk to me. It'd be nice though if she did talk to me. I swear she talks to my mother sometimes. That's only because she fees her. As if on cue;

“Alexa, come down here, I want to talk to you.”

I sigh before leaving my room. Taking the stairs two at a time. As careful as I try to be still end up tripping on the last one. I wave my arms out to catch my balance but I still crash into the wall on my left side and hurdle to the ground.

“Ouch” I mutter rubbing my wrist in an attempt to see if it will sooth the aching pain. They do that in the movies and it always seems to work when really all it's doing is causing more pain.

My mum must have heard the racket I made and shuffles quickly to the bottom of the stairs. She looks at me on the ground, to the stairs and back to the ground.

“Oh you really are clumsy. Let’s hope you don’t do that tomorrow.”

I bring my head up and try to make myself look as dignified as possible. How could she say that? I narrow my eyes at her and cock my head to the side.

“Don’t even joke about that. It’s not even funny.” I nearly spit the words at her.

She almost looks hurt for a minute but brings back up her neutral façade almost instantly. If I had blinked, I would have missed it.

“Alexa don’t speak to me like that. You know what I meant. I don’t want you to embarrass yourself. Oh don’t cry, its ok, come here.”

She beckons me across to her and I can’t help but comply. I wrap my small arms around her back and lean against her. Tears escape my eyes for real this time. My wrist still pounds and just thinking about him makes me sad. He’s gone. Really gone, for real and he’s not coming back.

My body shakes with my uncontrollable sobs. My mother pats my back and offers soothing words. His face pops in my head.

Breathe Alexa. He’s gone and not coming back.

I release the embrace and she offers me a knowing smile. I wipe my eyes clearing away the remaining tears .I really hope whatever she has to say doesn’t take too long, I really just want sleep.

She seems to have read my mind.

“Don’t worry about our talk now Alexa, you go to sleep, I’ll see you tomorrow.” She gives me a kiss and goes back in the kitchen.

I turn on my heels, my long brown hair billowing behind me and climb the stairs. I’m careful this time and take them one at a time. I push open my door to find Cottie already on my bed waiting for me. I quickly get out of my day clothes and into my pyjamas. Pretty boring ones actually. Just a grey singlet and blue shorts.

“I’m even fashionable when I go to sleep,” I joke to Cottie who just stares at me intently, obviously not finding my joke funny.

I flick the light of and race into bed, nearly falling asleep as my head hits the pillow. ‘I would end it. End it all. End all the suffering, all the pain it would be gone. And I would be ok with that. I will be ok with that.’ That line follows me to sleep that night, occupying my remaining thoughts.