Frankenstein's Girlfriend

5: Pros and Cons

Luckily, Frank parked his shady-looking vehicle on Verde Avenue at night. If it were daytime, his clunky car would have raised the suspicions of the neighbors, peering at it from the front windows of their two-story homes with their shiny, energy efficient cars tucked neatly away in their compact garages. Dispatched police officers would have interrogated this “perp” to ascertain whether he was scheming to abduct any toddlers that afternoon. Since it was 11pm, tax dollars were not wasted.

They parked a block away from Dana’s home. Frank nervously looked out the driver’s side window, the image of the security guard’s scowling face still fresh in his mind, as if he were still standing there, like a ghost. The Disapproving Ghost of the Chupa Valley Mini-Mall. This awkward moment in the car with a girl he liked would have given Frank an intense feeling of déjà vu, were he able to somehow convince a fellow teen to enter his car at any point during his four years as a high school student.

Dana stared at the shadowy profile of the stone gargoyle on her parent’s front lawn, which irked the neighbors and consequently delighted her father. She realized that this relationship, if it was destined to evolve into a relationship, would probably not receive her parents’ stamp of approval. Her reasoning was as follows: Frank’s slack jaw and sleepy eyes made him appear creepier than he really was, and his job as the lowest rung on the totem pole at a local spookshop would classify him as a townie.

Over the years, Dana made so many pro/con lists that she completely internalized the process, to the point where she no longer needed pencil and paper or a spreadsheet program. An imagined list took mere moments for her to compute, and a new list instantly materialized in her mind during the extended moment of silence in the car…

Cons: Car smells too much like odor-eliminator spray, dandruff problem, nostalgic attachment to terrible old cartoon show (childhood trauma?), parents are going to hate him as soon as they look at him, only owns one nice shirt? (see: past two dates)

Pros: Honest eyes, called me “perfect,” owns car (even if smelly), tipped a sensible 18% at dinner, older = wiser?, making out felt really good, dating site rated us 86% - pretty decent, no other dating prospects at time of list, no good new TV shows during summer (Note: “Making out” deserves underline?)

Verdict: Accept invitation to third date and investigate potential townie-ism claims by meeting his friends. Also, drop subtle hint about new shirt.

“So, listen,” Frank mumbled, slowly turning his head to her general direction, though unable to meet her gaze head on. “I had a really good time tonight. Maybe we can go to a movie or something? Sledgehammer Massacre 3D is at the mall.”

“Well, I do appreciate a quality sledgehammer. But if there are any parties happening, that’d be fun, too.”

“Great. Sledgehammer it is.”

“So, there are no parties or anything?”

“Parties… I mean, there’s a party this Saturday, but…”

“But…?”

“It’s a masher party. Are you really into that? I’m guessing you’re not, but it was on my profile. I’m not really attracted to girl mashers. At least, not anymore. I’m more than just a masher. I have other interests. It’s just… a lot of my friends are mashers. In fact, all of them are. I mean, is that okay?”

“You don’t need my permission to have friends,” Dana laughed.

Frank let loose a short, staccato laugh of acknowledgement.

“I mean, would you want to go to a masher party? You could bring your friends, too?”

“Sure, I’ll go,” Dana replied, purposely ignoring the second half of Frank’s offer. “That sounds… acceptable!”

Dana smiled at Frank, who returned the smile in-kind, and she exited his carcinogen-emitting vehicle. After shutting the door, she leaned her torso down a bit, offering a spoonful of cleavage to help the following medicine go down.

“See you Saturday in a completely different shirt,” she smiled and even winked, something she’d never done before in her life. Her lack of winking experience made her feel immediately self conscious.

Frank nodded his head, utterly mortified, as he revved up the dying engine and pulled away into the night.

Her parents were likely sound asleep, but the piercing siren of the alarm system would no doubt wake them up, unless she entered the security code at lightning speed. Dana thought about this while she walked past the vacant gaze of her home’s gargoyle “protector.”

Another thought interrupted Dana’s mental crafting of answers to her mom and dad’s most likely questions about the date. It was the addition of “Masher?” to both the Pro and Con sections of her ongoing list about Frank.