Meu Amor -njr- #OCT2K16

Meu Amor

My feet ache as I lean on my knees staring at them. I'm starting to regret my choice of heels today as I stare at the bags which I had packed earlier; the bags which sat by the door confirming my choice. Each time I glance at them my heart rate triples and brow breaks out in a cold sweat which spreads out around my whole body. I'd waited long enough. I'd waited for him.

I'd waited for hours after he promised time and time again to be here, to show me this love he always claimed to have for me. I'd waited for him to realise that I was here for him, always, even when others weren't.

It never happened.

He never showed me any great attention, love or appreciation. Sure enough, the only affection I received in bed when he'd take me time and time again. I wasn't ever going to live up to what he expected of me, what he wanted. Most importantly I was never going to be her - his ex. I always thought those girls in movies or on TV were being dramatic (whiney even), when they complained about their lovers discarding them in exchange for a good time. That was before I lived through this. Before I fell for a man who can't fall for me; a man who can't fall because he's still infatuated with his ex.

This, This is something which has to be done; I've known it for months now. I simply hadn't had the heart to carry out the actions my head had long been urging me to do.

I chew down on my bottom lip taking in a deep breath as I heard the familiar rattle of keys in the door. The rattle that I usually heard 6 hours after now, at 1am in the morning. I'd already texted Ney an hour ago saying I had an emergency. Unfortunately he'd have to miss an hour of his night out with his 'boys'.

I'd played the situation out in my mind how I'd do this over and over again, each time the story concluding different. Neymar begging me to stay, yelling or even refusing to let me leave. Others were worse him throwing me out, or even things getting heated. I think the biggest issue is getting him to understand that I don't want to hurt him. He always thinks people want to harm him and that could never be the case.

I'm doing this because no matter how much we both try and hope, he's never going to reciprocate these feelings I have for him. These emotions which burn so deep inside of me each time he walks into a room or casts a glance my way.

Neymar pops his head around the door, his smile wide as he looks at me that thought is confirmed. I love this man with all my mind, body and soul; the last thing I want to do is damage him but, I have to do things for myself this time. "Hey baby," He smiles and immediately I can feel my heart ache a little as it pounds and pumps heavily; it's as though it's trying to scream at me not to do this. Still, I force a small grin on my lips despite the conflict inside me and rise onto my feet. Here I am pretending that everything's all okay but we both know it's not and won't be; at least I do. Ney approaches me a small pout on his face whilst he moves.

As he reaches his hand out for me I pull back a little realising that I maybe shouldn't let myself fall into him. Not when I'm about to leave. "Gabriella?" Ney asks sounding confused with my actions as I swallow away the choking feeling around my body. "What's wrong?" The unsure tone in his voice makes my heart fall inside of me because I know that I'm going to have to tell him.

Tell him those two words which will change our whole dynamic.

Two words which in the space of a few seconds will slam us down from being eachother's everything to nothing.

"I'm leaving." The words leave my parted lips as a mere whisper as the air between us crackles and fizzles. The apartment is suddenly cold as my skin prickles from the humming which buzzes inside of my ear.

"Gab?" Neymar is slow to question me.

"I-i...I'm leaving." I announce, the words stronger as I feel my heart beat inside of my chest. With a tilt of his head Neymar takes a step back, his eyes squinted a little, as he scans the room for any evidence that this is truth. "I fly to London tonight. I'm gonna stay with my parents for a while." I say softly chewing on my lower lip as I wobble on my foot, purposefully pressing my toes more firmly into the floor as a way of keeping steady (despite wanting to crumble into a pile on the floor).

"Are they okay?" He asks quickly and I squeeze my eyes shut feeling nauseous as I try to think of the right words to break my own heart.

"They're fine." I blurt out sharper than expected. Shocked by my shortness Neymar scratches the side of his neck, looking as awkward as I feel. I've been over this so many times internally that I've lost the words to say. I've forgotten the purpose of why I'm breaking my own heart when he's staring at me like this; it's killing me. There's so many things I want to say but my mouth is paralysed. I want to scream, yell and show my anger for once but I just...can't.

Instead I give him this explanation, "It's me." When I should be saying it's us or even him himself. "I can't do this anymore." I admit tears blurring my eyes as I look up to Neymar, his body coming above mine (even when I'm wearing heels like these). Usually he'd tease me about my lack of height but not today, not when he's processing what I'm trying to say.

"Meu Amor..." He trails off causing my heart to clench as the buzzer to our apartment rings out signalling the cab I ordered has arrived. "Por Que?" Neymar asks why and I clench my jaw feeling that choking feeling begin. The type where every emotion you're feeling in that moment is lodged in your throat. Choking you into silence.

I don't want my words to be taken out of context or lost in translation. I can tell though, he knows exactly what I'm saying despite the lack of words the semantics will always be the same.

"I love you Meu Amor." I hum taking a step forward to Neymar and he turns his head away from me. As though I'm the most disgusting person for simply doing what's right. For once I'm doing what's right for me!

"I don't deserve an explanation?" Ney asks and I take a simple step forward, towards him so that my body is centimetres from his own. I reach up cupping his jaw savouring the feel of his soft skin on my fingertips for this one last time, before I brush my lips against the edge of his own. Seconds feel like hours as I stay in place giving Ney one last show of affection before I leave.

"I've tried Meu Amor," I state upon pulling away, Ney's breath fanning against my skin as I shiver, tears beginning to roll down my cheeks. I sniffle pathetically before throwing my hands up in frustration. "but I just haven't got enough love left inside of me to be here and try anymore." Neymar stretches out his own hand cupping my face just as my foot moves backwards, I really must go.

My heart is being torn to shreds inside of my chest and I can't stand it. I have to leave before I stay. With shouts of my name repeated I grab my two bags. My head is bowed low so that the tears I shed fall like raindrops onto my suitcases. All whilst I'm making a beeline for the exit to what was my home.

I manage to slip out of the door, jogging to the elevator and tapping my foot against the floor once it arrives as I make my escape from this relationship. My heart pounds as I tug open the door of the cab. The driver takes my case, shoving it in the trunk as I climb in the backseat, fully prepared to break down and let out everything I've held in over these last few months.

Just as the cab pulls away I feel my phone buzz inside of my purse which is resting on my lap. As I press on the screen one name illuminates the screen.

From: My Man

Você é tudo Gabriella

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