Drew - Screwing Up Again

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~Drew's POV~

I was so angry. I freaking hate myself. All throughout the day, during school, I was in a crappy mood because of yesterday. Being angry with Keda was so stupid. She's all I have left, and I have the nerve to lash out on her? Why did I have to be such a dumbass?

"You okay there?" this girl, Leslie, asked during last period, in which we had History. She was sitting next to me, looking at me with concern. Then I realized she wasn't looking directly at me. She was looking at the fist I was making on my desk. My knuckles were white, the muscles in my arm so tense, they were shaking slightly.

"Um, yeah," I said, unclenching my fist and looking away from her, pretending I was fascinated by the lesson. I felt her eyes linger on me for a second, then dropping her gaze to look at the board awkwardly. After that, I sort of calmed down. The bell rang at last, and I decided I would walk to Keda's school and wait for her.

As I drew nearer to the school, I thought I saw her on her way out. I took a few more steps and realized that it was her. I smiled. That was when I realized how fast she was walking. I saw a guy hurrying after her, then he rounded up on her, got in front of her. My steps quickened without me even thinking about it. He sort of had her against a wall now. Not that he was holding her against it, but he was just really close to her and her back was against the wall and his arm extended out against the wall, preventing her from escaping. I was so angry, I could feel every muscle in my body tensing up. I ran to them. I had just enough time to hear the last snippets of their conversation.

"Come on, Keda. Come over. You've known me way longer than you've known that random guy. We've got something you and him could never have," he said to her. His voice was slow and seductive. My first thought was what the fuck? And then I had no other thought. My fist collided with the side of his face, and he stumbled backward. He was dazed, and I waited for his eyes to focus on me before I punched him again, on the other side of his face with my right arm. I wasn't as good with my right as my left, but he hit the ground pretty quickly after the second blow.

"FUCK YOU!" he yelled. Although the words were strong, he looked quite afraid.

"Fucking rapist," I muttered. Both of my fists were still clenched and my teeth were gritted. I turned around to look at Keda. Her eyes were wide and teary. She looked scared. I reached out a hand to wipe some of the tears off and she flinched slightly. The recoil, however slight, made me realize how much of a monster I looked like. How much of a monster I am.

I thought she'd run away. I thought she'd never want to talk to me again. I thought she'd, I don't know, pepper spray me or something. What she did was much, much worse. She hugged me. She was looking for reassurance that I could not give her because I'm just as shocked as she is. The other day, I had yelled at her, today, I beat up someone right in front of her. He deserved it, damn right, but the fact that I did it in front of her was unforgivable. I never wanted her to see me this way. I didn't want her to see me so violent. I didn't want her to know that I could be violent.

I just hugged her. The guy stood up shakily and started to sneak away. I pulled away from Keda and turned to him with a hard expression. "Don't talk to Keda ever again," I told him. He looked as if he was about to say something back, he opened his mouth, but then winced and just turned around and left.

I realized that a crowd of about a dozen people stood around, watching us. They looked from Keda to me in awe. I took Keda's hand, and we walked past the crowding group of kids home. I wondered what they were thinking. It doesn't matter, I reminded myself. Keda and I walked to her house. She was quiet the entire way, which was not normal. I was usually the one being silent. I wish she could've just turned around or closed her eyes, I can't believe she saw me like that. I hope she's not thinking of breaking up....

I walked home after a couple of hours at Keda's. By home, of course, I mean Eric's house. I'd been staying at his house for the past couple of nights. It felt a lot more like home than my uncle's house. The only thing that sucks is that my car keys are at my uncle's, and so is my phone. He had confiscated them because I came to the house smiling one night after coming home from Keda's. Eric was a great guy, and a great friend. He cared about me enough to leave me alone when I needed to be or talk to me about things even though he wasn't comfortable with the subject. He helped a lot, and tried his best to give advice.

His mom was very nice, too. I guess it's because she pitied me. After losing my mom, and then also because Eric told her I had problems with my uncle. I guess that's why she lets me stay here. I've got to get a job soon, too, because although Eric's mom is kind enough to let me live under her roof, I couldn't let her pay for everything I needed. I had to do something for myself. Plus, I needed to save up some money for a new pair of glasses.

When I entered, I immediately heard Eric's voice from upstairs. "Drew! Up here!"

I climbed the flight of stairs up to his room and walked in. He was, of course, playing New Super Mario Bros. What a prick. He paused it as soon as I walked in. "You're home, finally!" he cried, fist pumping the air.

"Woo!" I exclaimed, plopping down next to him and picking up my controller. We start playing, but it's easy, so we can talk at the same time.

"What happened with Keda?" he asked, as he (Mario) jumped on a Goomba, killing it.

My shoulders tensed. "This idiot was saying some shit. Trying to get her to go home with him."

He looked at me, not bothering to pause the game. "I hope you beat his ass!" he said angrily.

My stomach seem to drop to my feet. "Yeah," I said quietly, looking down, "yeah I punched him a couple times."

"Then why do you sound like you regret it? That could've been fucking rape!" he said, his voice rising with anger and disbelief. He thought I regretted beating that guy. I didn't. He got what he deserved.

"No, just, I punched him in front of Keda," I told him.

"So what? You were sticking up for her, that's, like, heroic, you know?" he said. Heroic. Just hearing that word made me feel sick with thoughts of me and Keda's fight.

"She flinched when I moved close to her," I said, feeling even more sick.

His face softened with sympathy, "but you worked it out, in the end, right?" he asked.

I nodded, but it wasn't worked out. Keda saw me do some horrible things. I've changed. I've hurt Keda. I've yelled at her, something I thought I'd never do. I've been the one causing her pain and stress. She'd probably break up with me, if it wasn't for pity. Being in her life was a benefit for me, not her. She didn't want me in her life, she didn't deserve to have such a messed up guy in her life.

I looked down at Eric's clean, white carpet. The next thing I knew, I was puking on it.

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