50 Days Of Grey (#Wattys2015)

{ f i f t e e n } : stronger

xv : absurdism

❝a philosophy based on the belief that the universe is irrational and meaningless and that the search for order brings the individual into conflict with the universe❞

[Day 17]

I've never really felt strong before, not in gym class with my limp thighs and weak arms, not in my family with a quiet and sure voice, and most definitely not in love with my over caring heart and irrational mind.  Streangth, they say, is not determined by the muscle in your arms or the power of speed in your legs, but is determined in your will, the will you carry with you each day and each decision you make. And maybe that's why I have never felt strong before, because true strength is will and I don't have much of that.

I close my eyes and lean against the couch's backrest, reminscing the time before there was a you and I.

{before the beginning}

"Why don't you fight back?" You asked, looking out the window.

"If one doesn't have the right to fight back... Why should they?" I reply.

"Do you really have to have the right? What kind of right do you need... To fight back?" You ask again.

I brace my back against the window sill facing you and smile, a cold smile, "Don't you understand that I'm in no place to fight back, because the reason of the fight, an object or person or whatever, isn't mine, therefore I have no right." I reply, it had been the first time you'd come to my rescue instead of her.

You stare at me with a little confusion and a little curiosity in your big brown eyes, "What if that object, person, or whatever wants you? What if it was hers but isn't anymore? What if it doesn't want to be hers anymore?" You ask and I'm taken aback.

I bow my head, "I don't know... I rather not take a risk. I won't take something that isn't mine to begin with... Even with that possibility." I say and I know this isn't about defending myself anymore.

"What is there to risk?" You ask.

I look into your eyes, "My heart." I reply and I'm shocked, I've never been so confident.

"Why?" You ask, not meeting my eyes.

"Because I know who you'll pick." I reply without thinking, and I feel like slapping myself.

You face me, "Do you... Do you like me, that way, Jule?" You say and my heart stops.

~*~

I've never really fought for what I wanted and I never was one to take risks and I wanted to do something risky... I felt like doing something that would feel risky. I stood up and walked out of the house ready to face my fears and talk to Matt, to ask him about what he meant.

My phone rings and I flip it open to see a text from an unknown number.

"Meet me downtown at the Aurora Cafe in an hour, -M," The text says and I start my journey towards the Aurora Cafe, where Matt and I used to spend hours at.

❝face your fears, one more time, on more time.❞