Let Go

The End.

A/N: I wrote this for my Level One (I'm 16, if you don't live in New Zealand) creative writing English internal. It was the first thing I wrote all year, and it was really difficult to write (I loathe writing in the presence of other people, it makes me so damn anxious) I had a lot of panic attacks during the writing of this. Eventually what got me through it was listening to "Run To You" by Pentatonix on repeat for two hours while finishing it. So, be kind 'cause I went through a lot for this story. (Just so ya'll know, I got Excellence, and I thought I was gonna get Not Achieved, so, go me!)

He's there, standing in front of me. Telling me everything. But I can't do it. I can't bring myself to concentrate, to hear what he's saying. "I didn't know it was that important to you." Those words register in my mind. Of course he didn't. He never cared. As I turn and walk through the back door to my room I find myself empty. He wasn't there. I should've known, should've seen it coming. This is what they talk about in the books and movies. He never really cared, did he. I close my bedroom door and sit at my piano, the chair creaking as I lean back. I take a deep breath, planting my feet on the warm carpet. And I play. I play the emptiness, the regret, the pain, the love I once felt for him. I don't take lessons anymore. I stopped when he never came through for me. I stopped playing for other people, I stopped performing altogether. I even stopped writing my own compositions down. I just play now. It seems to be all I can do.

"Okay!" mum yells from the kitchen, dinner's ready. I don't know why she doesn't just say it's ready, it's become a habit I guess. I pause my music and close my laptop, walking into the kitchen. "How's school going?" I sit down. "It's fine" I say, starting to eat. The sooner I finish, the faster I can get out of here. "We heard you playing last night. You should play us one of your pieces sometime." I shift in my seat uncomfortably. Mum joins in. "Yeah, you used to play for us when Justin was here-" I keep my head down, but glance up when I hear his name. "Too soon," Dad mouths. I get up. Act normal and they won't bother you, I walk back to my room, yelling out that I was full and was going to do my homework. That should buy me some time to think. I wish they'd stop treating me like a child, I'm 17 for gods sake! Justin leaving hit me like a bullet and I just need time, I just need to stop thinking for a while. I sit on my bed and press 'play' on my laptop. "Haunted" by Taylor Swift starts playing through the speakers.

"It's getting dark and it's all too quiet and I can't trust anything now." The music plays in my mind as I tiptoe through the wet grass. Suddenly, I see his shadow. "Justin" I whisper, mentioning for him to come over. He walks toward me silently. "We need to talk" he says, calmly. I look down at my feet, shivering as I remember I'm not wearing shoes. It has to be below zero degrees out here. I glance up at the sky, the full moon's soft light allowing me to see the outlines of Justin's face as he steps closer, although I can't feel his breath. Weird. "I miss you" he whispers. "I'm sorry. I should have been there for you, I know. You were finally happy and I disappeared. But you have to understand." He takes a breath. I let the one I was holding. "You have to understand that I wasn't in the right mindset, I wasn't okay. I wanted to come to you for help but you were so happy, and I just wasn't, and I thought you didn't care, there's so much you don't know, I just-" He came to a halt as I looked directly in his eyes. "You left me. I was finally happy again, and you sent me spiraling back down into the depths of my depression. Right back where you were. You just passed your sadness right on!" I was screaming now, but I couldn't stop. "I would've helped you! I loved you!-" I'm cut off suddenly as I feel my mum grabbing me from behind, I start to scream and struggle but dad picks me up, mum at his side, trying to calm me down. I look behind dad but Justin is gone. The next thing I remember is lying on bed, listening to my mum and dad talking in the lounge. Mum was crying. "I just can't stand to see her like this any longer. She's haunted."

I feel my fingers pressing on the keys but I'm not listening to what I'm playing. I look up, over the top of the piano and I see him. He's not really there, I know that, but I see him. In my mind, I guess. I start playing faster, louder. My breathing intensifies and I would think this was a panic attack but it's not because I'm in control, for once. He's telling me he has to go, he's telling me I have to let go. But what does it mean? I want to be scared, I want to run to him, I need to know what it means. I feel oddly calm as I run down the street, I don't even remember how I got outside. This feels like a dream. I keep running, turning at random points until I don't know where I am. My legs keep going, not giving time for my breath to catch up, until I see his shadow. It must be early in the morning because the sun is rising behind him. I laugh quietly to myself because he looks like a cliché movie. Then he moves. I run up the small hill he's standing on, it looks almost like a cliff. As I reach him, every memory we've had starts playing in my mind, in fast forward. It's like I can't think, only remember. I see us laughing, listening to music, introducing him to my friends. I see the over crowded hallways of school, whispered conversations and secrets we shared. I see Justin and I, all at once. As I turn my head to look at him, I realize he's gone. He's really gone. "Let go, Amy" he whispers, then he disappears. Physically, although not really, I guess, as he was never there in the first place. But he's still there in my memories. Everything we have- everything we had- it's there, it always will be. Vivid in my mind, as if it happened two seconds ago.

I take in my surroundings, letting it sink in that he's really gone, and I see a tree at the bottom of the hill. I walk slowly, then I'm running, feeling the wind against my hands spread out, feeling alive for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. Because I know this tree. I know this spot. The sun's right above me now, a few hours must have passed since I got here. I sigh as I sit down, leaning against the tree. I smile to myself as I see all the memories we shared in this spot. Laughing, screaming, venting. I miss it. I miss him. As the memories play, I remember how difficult it was dealing with him leaving. "With him dying" I admit to myself out loud. But maybe it doesn't have to be this way anymore. Let go, Amy. The words replay in my mind. Maybe I don't have to live like this. Maybe I can remember him, and move on at the same time. Suddenly, everything makes sense. The hysteria, the screaming, the endless nights remembering him. I was in denial, I guess. But now I can let go- and everything feels better. Not great, but better; and that's good enough. That's more than good enough. I sigh, dropping my head back against the tree, enjoying the freedom. Enjoying being myself again. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. As I drift off to sleep under the sun, those words play in my head. Let go, Amy. And I do.