Open Seas

Singapore

Aaliyah ~ May 20th, 2016

"There's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it is sent away." - Anonymous

I shake the polaroid in my hand, dark cocoa hues fixed on the picture that slowly breaks out of the darkness. It rolls out on all sides, sprawling across the blackness with its vibrant shades. The colours leisurely fills every corner as I patiently hold in a breath. I had it all planned out. Get good grades, get out of the country, go to a reputed college, get a job, settle down. There was no moment to rest - to hold in a breath and wait without thoughts filling up my mind. Everything I did was to achieve those goals set before me. I never really did have to think about anything else. I didn't want to think of anything else. I just wanted to tick boxes off a list; a list that needed to be completed the faster, the better. 

The afternoon sun shines brightly over the college campus as I walk towards my dorm, to pick up my stuff before leaving for home.I can now make out the figures of the lovers in the picture, donning black gowns, their graduation caps loosely fitting on their heads as they intertwined their arms around each other in a tight embrace. Soon, I see the peach brick road curving into the lake behind them, rich crimson and vermillion shades painting the sky as the sun almost disappears into the sparkling water. And, finally, the faint tear stains running down their faces. Slowly, emotions spread its hues over the picture, capturing the goodbye.

 I exhale. This is it. This is the end. Another box ticked off the list. Growing up in India, I never really felt like I belonged there. It wasn't that I didn't have a great life, or people who loved and cared about me. I just didn't fit in. I always dreamt of going away, leaving and never returning. I conditioned myself into thinking that if I put extra effort, if I just compromise on the pleasures of life and focus on the future - the goals I have established for myself, I'll finally get away. I'll find a place where I will belong. On my quest to fit in, the National University of Singapore was where I landed. But, I had already grown into a habit of rushing; of compromising and focussing on only the next task on the list. 

I don't feel half as sentimental as the two figures in the picture. Now that college is over, now that I am finally one more step closer to checking all the things off the list, something doesn't fit right. Something feels empty. I still have tasks to finish, but I just don't have that rush any more and it feels strange, as if that was the only part of me that mattered; it was me. Twisting the knob, I push the wooden door open to step inside the half vacant dorm room. Illa, my room-mate, left right after the graduation ceremony ended - almost half the batch did. I decided to stay back, hang around a couple of hours, take in the nooks and corners of the campus and force myself to feel something; anything. But, I didn't. 

I breezed through twenty three years of my life. I raced against time, I raced myself to reach the finish line fastest but I just didn't want to run anymore. Running my fingers down my dark brown curls, I gaze out of the window overlooking my bed, pulling the packed handbag on my lap as I sit down. I never stopped to wonder, to admire. Always in a rush, I hardly enjoyed myself and now that the best few years of one's life were finally over, I realize I never really lived it. I always raced. 

And that was until my best friend had the craziest idea, ever. 

A knock on the door pulls me out of my reverie as I push myself back up on my feet, brows creasing at the thought of who could possibly come to visit me now. Consciously, I run my fingers down the hem of my white buttoned-up shirt, straightening the curved edges before pursing my lips and opening the door. 

"Pack your bags, we are leaving."