102

A hundred and two;

Matt Healy's POV.

It is 3 am and here I am outside Myle's apartment. I was continuously pinging on her door for a hundred times already and after two last knocks, she opened. She was wearing her blue and white polka-dotted pajamas, looking all groggy and so was I. I don't know if it was the alcohol kicking in but I was feeling all giddy after seeing her as soon as she opened the door. I can't help but stare at her and smile. She looked at me like she was confused as to why was I creating a scene outside her property and I just replied with a blank stare and a smile plastered on my face. I went inside of her apartment and sat hastily at the couch we used to always watch TV during late night talks and casual unplanned dates that I always cherished.

"Why are you here, Matt? It's 3am in the morning, for Pete's sake!" She whined. I chuckled on how she looked as she continued on ranting on how stupid I was for barging in without any calls or texts that I was coming. I only smiled at her. I only thought of how was it possible for someone to be this beautiful even though she looks like she might have killed a bull in a second. Even though her hair was all over the frame of her beautiful face. Even though she had no hint of make-up touching her bare aspect. Even though she has nothing prepared but her warmth and comfort that never failed to replace the only shelter that I've been longing for all my life. I took out four fags out of my pocket in which was part of the ten I've bought an hour ago. She sat beside me as I smoke. Silence. That's all we had other than the smoke that was coming out of my lips that both of us inhale.

"Matt?" She called. I looked at her and raised a brow. She sat up straightly and took a moment to compose herself. "I don't think we should go on with this kind of relationship anymore." She said. My heart dropped but being a coward when it comes to expression, I killed the fire on the shit I was smoking and looked down smiling. But this time, it wasn't genuine. I gathered up all the courage to ask, "What's wrong?". She sighed, sat down and held my face in a way our gaze have met. I didn't knew why but there's a sudden pang in my heart that moisten my eyes up a bit. But no, I wasn't planning to cry in front of her. "I don't think I'm happy anymore..." She trailed. "You see, Matt. You were one of the most beautiful things that's happened and came into my life. But I couldn't change you. I can't stop you nor prohibit you with and on things that all of my mates, even my family, look bad upon. I love you. I loved you so much that it hurts seeing you mourning and drowning yourself in misery each and every single day by smoking and drinking. I get tired of seeing you like this, meeting you drunk and never able to think of whether you can get sober even for a week. I'm sorry, but I know for sure that this would be for the best." She finished. Everything. 4 fucking years. Vanished. Abolished. My heart was clenching and all that my system could come up with is a grin. My eyes were glistening with tears but I would never ever want her to see my cry. Not at this point of time. Not that I know she wouldn't be there anymore to wipe the tears out of my cheeks but rather be the reason on why they're there.

"Okay then. Thank you, Myles." I said with a faint, cracking voice. I pushed her hands gently off of my face in which was also the last time I knew I'd be able to touch her hands. I assembled my being and wellness and decided to stand up and leave.

Now it has been 6 months since that scenario happened. But nothing's changed except for a fact that I have been sober ever since that night. I was free from drinking and smoking and all I did was perform to clubs the song that I have written for her. I changed myself. Not because I wanted to, but because I was still hoping that she might change her mind. And maybe, just maybe, her friends and family might think that I wasn't as bad as they thought I was.

It was the 14th of February and I was planning on taking her out unless she insists. I called her nonstop and if I were to count it, it must have been a hundred and two times as well since she had given me a chance and picked up.

"Hey," I said. "What's up?" She asked. I don't know why my heart was beating rapidly just by the sound of her voice but man was it ages since I've heard from her even though I was trying to contact her all throughout the months that have passed. "Well, I was just wondering if we could meet tonight?" I went straight to the point. It's funny how it feels like the first time I was planning on asking her out. I was all nervous and shit. "Yeah, sure. Where to?" She asked. My eyes beamed and I felt a smile forming on my lips. "My place. 10pm. I'll pick you up." I said. "No, it's okay. I'll come alone, no need to pick me up. See you, then." She answered and dropped the call. I was still dumbfounded. It was flabbergasting that all I ever uttered was "see you" in a faint whisper through the humid air and breeze.

It was already a quarter before ten and a mixture of excitement and nervousness was fighting for dominance inside my head. I looked at the table I have all set-up, enough to be called a date as I bite on my fingers anxiously. After minutes of overthinking, I hear a knock on the door. I immediately opened and saw her all dressed up. I examined her from head to toe and I couldn't help but grin on how good-looking she was as ever. "Those shoes are awesome." I said. She laughed, nodded and proceeded to come inside of my place.

Her eyes scanned the whole room and I've seen a hint of surprise in her tantalizing optics. "It seems that you've been working hard lately." She said and smiled. I nodded at her and pointed the table I have set upon for a date to call. She chuckled and asked, "You made this? Are you sick or something?". All I can do was nod, stare and smile at her beauty. She was still breath-taking. Nothing's changed over the past few months since we have last seen each other. She was ever gorgeous in my eyes and tonight almost felt like a dream. She sat down in delight and smiled from ear to ear like a child would have done when she receives a gift from Santa. We started eating in silence and it took me all the courage to start up a conversation.

"So..." I started. "How are you?" I wanted to ask more, I wanted to ask if she was getting enough sleep unlike I do. I wanted to ask if she was getting enough food digested, if she drinks water to hydrate her at all times. I want to ask her if she's moved on and found a new. But none, nothing came out of my mouth except for that simple fucking question. "Life's been pretty good! I have set plans for Ezekiel and I. Mom and dad were happy for us and it all feels like a dream. You know? It's like everything's going to be okay and everything has direction. It just feels nice. It feels new. I'm loving it. How about you? I heard you've been playing again. I've heard some of your songs and it was a bit blue, isn't it? Lighten up, Matt." She said. My heart seized and I don't have the appropriate answer to respond to her. All I know is that she's found somebody else already and all I was left are false hopes and broken pieces. That's all. That's all that I got. Hours have gone absurdly and little did I knew, she's already home. I sat down and gazed blankly on white walls. It hurts. tears were unconsciously streaming down my cheeks and all I can do is endure the pain for I knew that there is no possibility that someone would be here to comfort me with her presence and warmth. Knowing that that someone has already found a new. And that new isn't me, but another. I'm left aside with her old clothes that sits silently at the side of my night stand and all I can do is sniff its scent in hopes that it'll reduce the agony I was feeling.

Everything feels like torture.

It's 3am in the morning and here I am outside of a bar holding a beer on one hand and chocolate on the other. I was about to go straight on someone special's place but I remembered that even if I knock a hundred and two times at her door, she would never open it up for me again in a way that she's done for me four years ago.