One to Another - quiet, kind & special people

Part 56 - Finn

I watch Rae leave.  Fuck!  "For fucks sake Chop!" my immediate frustration is clear. 

"What?" Chop asks oblivious to the real impact of his words.  

I stand looking at Chop in disbelief that a comment about my lack of a nickname could result in my girlfriend taking off, yet again!   We had been doing so well.  Each time she had felt anxious I was able to feel that and I seemed to have been able to calm her, keep her focused on us, and bring her back to me.  These words were unexpected, and no matter what the intent they have hit the core of Rae, engaging her flight instinct.  In this moment I am fighting my need to chase Rae down and bring her back to me. 

"I was just saying what we all know about you Finn.  Nobody would call Stacey a good choice, could they?" Chop responds with a confused tone.  "As for Rae, you can't be suggesting she isn't overreacting are you? I mean, she is the best thing that has ever happened to you .  Think I might get your tshirt reprinted to 'Whipped', what you think Finn?"  Chop asks chuckling while the rest of the gang nervously laughed unsure of my reaction.  

"You what?" I say to Chop.

"I'm joking Finn, but I do hope she won't get upset while we are away, cos seriously that is the main reason it is a boys trip so we don't have to deal with all this fucking drama" Chop states defiant.  I don't have to say anything to that as Izzy has already slapped Chop on the arm objecting loudly to his suggestion. 

"Chop, whatever is going on Knebworth will be fine, alright?" I say.  Chop doesn't respond as he is fighting Izzy off.  "Alright Chop?" I say again.  Chop acknowledges what I have said, and I take off immediately after Rae.  I take off out the pub putting on my jacket as I leave.   I pause once I get outside, how many times have I had to chase Rae down?  How many times has there been a misunderstanding and she has taken off from me?  It is like a step forward, and two steps back every time we are together.   I am frustrated, and for a split second I think about going home and not chasing Rae down, but just as soon as that thought crosses my mind I dismiss it and I head towards Rae's house.  I stuff my hands in my pockets and walk with my head down.  

I try not to think as I set off, however with each step I find myself contemplating going home more than once.   I don't know what the right thing to do is.  If I don't go after her we will probably be over, but if I do, well, I don't trust that me seeing Rae now will be the right thing to do either.  Despite the doubt sitting deep in my gut I find myself standing in front of Rae's house yet again.  I take a deep breathe, and try to plan what I am going to say. 

"Hey..." I hear a soft quite voice. I turn to see Rae standing there. 

"Hey" I say.  Rae looks a little lost, but instead of me wanting to wrap my arms around her, I find myself feeling annoyed. 

She is shuffling her feet "I am sorry" she says.

"What for?" I ask, with a cold tone.

She continues to fidget.

"You know what for Finn" she says unable to say the words I need. 

"No Rae, I need to hear you say it" I respond sadly.

"I ran" she declares "I am sorry" she says again while placing a hand on my shoulder. I know I have heard this before and I feel my body become rigid, and as quickly as she placed a hand on my shoulder, she removed it.  I hate seeing her so sad.   We seemed to have done so well down at the pub with the gang, but when she took off, left my side, I realised that it was an illusion.  Rae pretended, I pretended, we both were fooled into believing that we are alright.  

"Yeah well Rae, you always run."  I pause, my response full of hurt.  "I am starting to wonder if you will ever stop doing this."  I refuse to look at Rae as I speak as I don't want to have her see how hurt I am.