Reaching Infinity

December 1, 2013

My sister woke me up today for the first time this week. I’ve been off for Thanksgiving. I go back to school tomorrow. I was able to hold up until Friday. I had to talk to my family and pretend everything was ok. I got home from North Carolina and the first thing I did was take a cold shower, like it could wake me up from the feelings I was dreaming up. It couldn’t. They aren’t dreams. They are very real. Sitting in a car for hours with your family talking, your sister still reeking of holiday sweets, listening to my playlists, I realized something. Almost every song I listen to was told to me by him. So, I deleted all of my playlists, hoping to start over. But then, the music I was listening to wasn’t the same. It was bad. It made me feel things I didn’t want to feel. Every song brought up a new memory because every song I listened to I had connected to some kind of hope. Then I couldn’t listen to my music. So, I pressed my pillow against the cold window and cried, face buried. 

After that cold shower, I couldn’t escape. I remembered everything I had ever thought in my room. My mind was cruel. “See that desk, Quinn? Remember when you sat there for hours talking to him? That chair where you drew him into your sketchbook? What about your laptop? See all of the photographs and letters and poems you never even showed him?” And my family went out to dinner and I sat on the floor of that room. It was like all the water in the world couldn’t wet my throat enough to let me speak again. I couldn’t draw without flipping a page and seeing his portrait. Everything good in this world was somehow connected to him. 

Then I thought about what happened. I thought about how I gave in even though I had promised him that I would never let my parents make me hurt him again. Finally, it led me to think about something else. It made me think about how this time, he hadn’t chased after me, telling me everything would be ok. How he didn’t seem to care. Then I realized, he probably stopped loving me a long time ago and I’ve just been too blind to see it. I didn’t think that even though I still clung to him and felt him as though he were a part of me, that he didn’t feel the same. That made me selfish. And I started to cry. 

I finally showered again about two hours ago. While I was standing in my bathroom, waiting for the water to heat up, I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw myself for the first time in days. I watched the small girl in the gray sweatshirt reveal the ribs visible beneath her tank top. The red eyes staring back at me were frightening and my eyes held horrible bags and my hair was matted. That was who I had become. 

I heard Christmas music last night, when my parents dragged me out to find a tree. I can’t imagine how embarrassed they must have been, walking around with a dead looking girl in pajama pants and combat boots. That music made me worse. Christmas last year was a blessing and a curse. I never told you what happened that morning. I gave you glimpses but no story. I feel like I can tell you now because I have nothing left to lose. 

We had been texting all night but he started to act strange. Then, he tried to call me. I didn’t answer and tried to explain that my family was sleeping. He told me just to listen. So, I answered the next call. “Hello?” That was when I knew he was drunk. His words were slow and drawn out in a drunken slur and I was worried for him. So, I stayed on the phone. 

“Hello.” I whispered to him because my sister was just down the hall. He laughed for a second, I don’t know what he found funny. I probably never will. 

“I love you, Quinn. I love you so, so much.” At first, I expected him to say he was joking or something because I never knew if he was serious. I could never tell if he was being truthful when he said those words. If I’ve learned one thing, it is that drunk men cannot lie. So, I waited for a minute to see if he would explain his words. He didn’t. “Hello?” 

“I’m here.” And he just kept saying those words over and over again. And once, he changed it.

“Are you still there?” I knew he wouldn’t remember any of the night. I would though. 

“I’m still here, Jordyn. I’m always here.” Then he said that phrase again and I finally replied in all truth, “I love you too.” I didn’t question him again. I always said that he had ruined Christmas for me by getting himself intoxicated and worrying me to fits. But really, when I think about it, it was one of the best Christmases I’ve had. 

So I’m sitting here now, in bed, with my lights all off, thinking about what I could have done. I don’t know if he will ever even read this or if he will even care but I don’t know who I am anymore. Because after all those times people told me we were perfect or that they thought someday we would get married, I started to believe them. And all of my plans stared to involve him. Now, I just feel lost and scared and I don’t know what I’m doing. I thought that I knew at least one thing in my life for sure. That thing is gone. Everything else is always changing. That perfect tree my mother keeps talking about doesn’t look so beautiful to me and the snowfall before we left wasn’t all that great. I tried to pretend it was, hoping I could fool myself into believing it. I couldn’t tell him all of the things I had wanted to tell him and that made everything I once though was magical tragically ugly. 

If he reads this, I hope he can understand that I see now. I hope he can understand that I’m sorry. I hope he can understand why I haven’t spoken to him, even though I’d asked if we could still be friends. I want him to understand how much I’ve loved him from the start and that the reason I’ve cut myself off is because I still do. And I don’t know how to stop it. 

“Christmas night, another fight

Tears we cried a flood

Got all kinds of poison in

Poison in my blood

I took my feet

To Oxford Street

Trying to right a wrong

Just walk away

Those windows say

But I can't believe she's gone

When you're still waiting for the snow to fall

Doesn't really feel like Christmas at all

Up above candles on air flicker

Oh they flicker and they float

But I'm up here holding on

To all those chandeliers of hope

Like some drunken Elvis singing

I go singing out of tune

Saying how I always loved you darling

And I always will

Oh when you're still waiting for the snow to fall

Doesn't really feel like Christmas at all

Still waiting for the snow to fall

It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all

Those Christmas lights

Light up the street

Down where the sea and city meet

May all your troubles soon be gone

Oh Christmas lights keep shining on

Those Christmas lights

Light up the street

Maybe they'll bring her back to me

Then all my troubles will be gone

Oh Christmas lights keep shining on

Oh Christmas lights

Light up the street

Light up the fireworks in me

May all your troubles soon be gone

Those Christmas lights keep shining on”

~Christmas Lights by Coldplay

Love Always, 

Quinn