Young, Gay, Love

Chapter 51: Adventure Time Pt. II

It's hard to imagine the distance that I felt with someone that was so close to me at the time. But I felt it now. And I didn't like it at all. James was in his shower now and I was heading to a separate one down the hall. Was I really developing feelings for someone that has been like a brother to me? Or was it just infatuation?

Moments like this I really hate being gay.

Being gay to most people think we run around wearing girl clothes and run up our credit cards because we so fabulous. But actually in my case I struggle with identifying who I am with guys. I really like companionship with my bros, but when these feelings for intimacy start to stir in my stomach I immediately beat down those butterflies. Well, murder them and refuse to eat because my stomach hurts so bad...

ARGH!! THIS SUCKS.

I was so frustrated I just threw my clothes on the floor and slammed the door. Sitting on the bathroom floor I just put my head in my hands and started some breathing techniques to just calm down. It's been a long day, and a long drive. So I'm just over reacting.

Nothing is going to happen and nothing will happen.

The butterflies in my stomach were screaming for air as I suffocated them. Sorry guys, but this ain't gonna fly.

Standing up I slowly looked up and in the mirror at myself.

I saw not a boy, but not a man. I saw someone in between identifying himself and slowly finding where he belongs. I was thinking back to what my Dad always told me ever since I was a little boy... Don't go looking for the right woman if you haven't become the right man.

Oh Dad... if only you admitted to yourself that I was gay back then...

I turned on the water to heat it up and sat on the side of the tub looking at the water go down the drain.

Swirling, drowning, so clear and with purpose.

"Hey, I'm gonna be in the hot tub." James shouted through the door between us.

"Alright, I'll be out soon." I shouted back.

There is always something between me and the people I love.

Swirling, drowning, so clear and with purpose. I felt like I was just burying myself from the world.

"Okay Sam, just stop. You are clearly overthinking everything. AGAIN." I sternly said to myself.

Yes, I talk to myself. I read somewhere that it's healthy so get over it.

Stepping into the shower I felt the water just run down my back. Feeling the trails of water fit neatly into the curves of my body. I closed my eyes and let the water soak my hair and find itself massaging my face.

If only life was this easy. I wish I could just find my place in the world like the water on my body.

Starting to chuckle to myself because I felt like I was crazy person I quickly washed up and turned off the water.

Drying myself off, I looked in the mirror.

Now I saw a man who didn't want to grow up yet. A young man, who is still on a path, but doesn't know if it was the right one. Yet.

Okay clearly it's time to get out of the bathroom, because I am starting a therapy session with myself. And as much as I am pro therapy, now is not the time.

I quickly put on an oversized sweater and some athletic shorts. Stepping out of the bathroom the lights were off and I just saw candles.

There were candles everywhere.

Setting my stuff down in the bathroom I started to walk out to the living room and saw James sitting at a small table reading a book and there was a bottle of wine on ice with some sparkling Crystal.

"Now I feel a little underdressed." I said quietly.

James looked up and set his book down on the table.

"Don't be ridiculous. You look great." He smiled.

Standing up he pulled out my chair and seated me.

"What's the occasion?" I said looking around at all of the candles.

Who's gonna put these out? I hope they don't smoke us out of room. I quietly thought to myself.

"No occasion. I thought it would just be nice to relax with a little fun." He said gazing at me.

I looked over at him and just started to laugh.

"What... Is there toothpaste on my face?" He said really worriedly as he started rubbing around his mouth.

"NO. I am just laughing, because this is classic you. Congratulations James. You have officially thrown me for a loop." I was starting to feel hysterical.

"What are you talking about Sam." James face was beginning to show signs of frustration and it was making me uncomfortable, but I didn't care.

"James, you are so confusing. Like can't you see I like you? More than a brother, like can't you see it?" I was getting close to tears and I was so confused.

James sat back in his chair. He looked to the side with a clenched jaw.

"Sam, we've been over this."

"I know, but."

"But things change. They always have to change with you."

His eyes were blazing deeper into my soul and it started to hurt.

"I'm sorry..." I was starting to feel the tears fall down my face.

I heard James stand up and begin to leave and I just broke down crying.

I always have to screw things up and it's unfair that I can't control my feelings for people. I wish for once someone could just like me back.

Feeling a strong pair of arms around my body I felt myself being carried to the couch.

Looking up I saw it was James. He face was emotionless, but his eyes felt my pain.

"I am not gay Sam, but I do care for you a lot. Just know that I do." And with that he kissed my forehead.