You say that you understand, and you know what it's like.. but I can guarantee that you don't. I feel like I'm drowning, and everyone is standing three feet away screaming “learn how to swim”. I feel empty, and lost. The worst days are the days when I don't feel- I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Maybe that's why I inflict pain on myself.. because I'm used to it- it's normal. You say “everyone has their ups and downs”, but their downs never go as deep as mine. Do they go as low as not being able to get out of bed? Do you lay on the floor for hours on end trying to convince your body that it can in fact move? Do your bones hurt so bad that you can't pick up a pencil? Or catch a ball? And how the hell do you call your teachers and say “I can't come in to class today, I'm sad”. And then you get the “wow, some people will do anything to get out of work”. Do you have to take a handful of pills in hopes that one day maybe your brain will react normally again? I didn't think so. So no, you don't understand. You don't know what it's like to be me, and believe me.. you're the lucky one. I would rather be physically ill. This kind of 'sick' just fucks with your head and makes you BELIEVE that you will never be good enough to go to school, get an education, make friends, live on your own, be by yourself, go shopping for clothes. I would rather die than live one more day in this horrible illness. It's sad, because people call it “just depression”... they say depression is not a mental illness, because we don't hear things, or see things that aren't real. But you know what? We hear the voices inside our heads telling us how worthless we are, that we'll never amount to anything, that we'll never be good enough, that nobody will ever want us. We look in the mirror and we see a monster and we think 'i'm looking in the mirror to try to see myself, and that must be how everyone sees me'. We become an illusion. We wear a smile when inside we feel like screaming.
