Sometimes you just sit there alone somewhere with nothing but your thoughts. You have to wonder if people are going through the same thing you are. Are they wanting to be free? Are they wanting to get away from the demands of those around them? Do they feel like they're trapped and can't ever leave? Do they find no other escape other than to self harm?
The truth is is that millions of people go through this everyday. The thing is is that you, yourself just feel so alone sometimes that you completely block everyone out and don't realize what's going on around you. You want to be alone and shut out from the world; you don't want to see anyone or do anything, and when someone notices your mood, you don't want to talk even though you know it'll feel better once you talk about it.
That's the thing though. Sometimes you just don't want to talk about it or you can't. Sometimes you think it's better to keep in all bottled inside until you finally explode. Or maybe you just don't have the right people to talk to. Maybe your alone again. Maybe you've never been the person to have many friends or be accepted for who you were, so you never trusted anyone. Maybe, just maybe. Maybe you're still waiting for the right person to come along and for them to make it known that you can trust them.
Sadly, we live in a world where not many people can be trusted anymore or the people that can be trusted don't live near you or aren't even aware of your existance. If maybe that one person or those few people knew who you were and would let you talk to them, then maybe, just maybe, you'd be ok.
But until then, you sit there. Alone. All alone, just as you have every other day of your life. You sit there alone and wait. You wait for that one special person to come along and put the faith back in you again; the faith that was lost so many years ago. The faith you've been longing to have once again to maybe, just maybe, feel whole again.
And feeling whole? You don't even remember what that is. Is it really a feeling? Or is it something more? Is it noticeable? Is it something you can express freely? You don't know. It's been too terribly long for you to remember. You've shut the world out from the fear of getting hurt again or more than you already have.
The world is a scary place and you long for that one place in the world where you can be yourself, where you can truly be you without a care in the world. Without having to worry about what people will say to you day after day or going to school day after day and just dreading seeing those faces; faces of those who have betrayed you. Those who once called you their friend, but now they're nothing but a distant memory you wish you could forget. But can you? Will you ever be able to?
Those people walking down the hallways with smiles plastered on their faces like they're having the best day ever, while you doing the same, but there's a twist; you're wearing a fake smile, just as you do every other day. You wear that smile to hide what's actually going on underneath for the fear that you'll get judged for being that lonely, depressed girl who should do what? Kill herself? Of course you should, I mean you're only here taking up space with your depression and fake smiles, so what's the point?
That's the thing. People tell you that you should kill yourself, but should you really? No. Underneath their smile they could be going through the same thing. But why judge others for what's happening to you? That is a question that will forever haunt your mind. Why? Why do it? It doesn't make sense, now does it? And maybe it doesn't make sense to them either. Maybe, just maybe, they say those hurtful words day after day, week after week, to make them feel better about themselves. Like they're trying to cover up the scars they've left on their skin for the same exact reason. So again, why do that to others if it's been done to you and it leaves the same exact scar?
The scars you have to hide everyday. The scars that cover your arms and thighs. The scars that spawned from those terrible words that were said to you day after day. You thought that maybe, just maybe doing that would make you feel better, and did it? Maybe for a little bit, but then you go back to your daily routine of school, people, hurtful words, until you're finally face to face with that razor again. The one that's been dragged across your skin so many times before. The one you hide in your dresser so no one knows about it, but do you really think that people don't know? Do you really think that they can't see behind those fake smiles, behind the sleeves that cover your arms, or behind the jeans that cover your legs? Honestly, who are you fooling?
The only person you're fooling is yourself. Yourself. The one who lets those words take control over your life, the one who wears the fake smiles, and the one who drags that razor across your skin.
You have control over a lot of things in your life, so why let words control you? Why wear fake smiles? Why drag that razor across your skin? Why? Because depression is slowly consuming you; eating you alive. You're so used to the feeling that you almost feel guilty whenever your happy, which doesn't seem to happen much anymore.
People tell you day after day to suck it up or stop being so depressed, but honestly, how can you stop something like depression? That's one thing you don't have control over. You can't control when it might decide to act up. And the people who tell you to suck it up? They don't understand nor will they ever. They don't know the real you, what you've been through, and what you're going to go through. Hell, you don't even know what you're going to go through. Can you have guesses? Sure you can. Will it happen the way you think? Maybe, just maybe, or maybe, just maybe not.
See, all you can keep doing is holding your head high and wearing that fake smile, and maybe, just maybe, if you're lucky, that fake smile might turn into a real smile someday...
~Jordyn
