sorry for the bad spelling! i hope u can read this!
I have wanted to die but can never get the nerve to really do it yet.
It all started when i was 10. my mom would sell me for her drugs and it made her money. I hated my mom for for what she done to me as a child. But now i have to live with the nighmears and the flash backs. I cant tell whats real and whats not and it scares me sometimes. I started to cut when i was 13 it started with earcer burns then moved to taking push pins and cuting the skin. When i was 16 i started to use razer blades and it helped for awile. It made me forget about what was going on around me. But then it all came back. So i started to do drugs it helped everything to stay gone longer. I thought i would never get away from my mom. When i was 17 i moved in with my granparnts i thought i was safe there. But i was wrong it never stoped. I was still cutting and doing drugs. I didnt know how to make friends. I got with a guy who was 37. I thought maybe he will love me and help me. All he did was use me for sex. The cutting got worce cause he interdused me to alcohol and to new drugs. I didnt know what to do anymore. I was needing help. I didnt know how to get it though. Finally when i was almost 18 i got help. My school nurce seen me cause i was sick and needed cough drops. I thought if i just go in and ask and get out i would be fine. I went in and she started to ask how come i havnt been to a doctor? I told her we dont have money to goto the doctors. She asked me what do u mean by we? She thought i lived with my grandparnts. I told her my grandparnts needed money so the sold me. She asked me how old i was when it happened i told her i was 10 when my mom started doing it. Then i was 17 i moved in with my grandparnts. They couldnt aford to keep me so they sold me to a 37 year old. He promised them i would be safe but he uses me for sex. He dosent even love me. Thats when i got saved! I was taken away from that proublm. I was never put back with my family. I was free! I still cut and drank and did drugs though. The put me in a treatment senter to help me. I went to it til i was 23. I stoped cutting doing drugs and drinking. I learned to love myself. That it wasnt my fault i grew up the way i did! I am now 24 and i was diagnosed with bpd,bioploler,ptsd,anxity,depreshion. I was also told i am a dibetic and that i have ms. That proubly came from someone in my family. I now live in a group home and have a guardion. But most of all i am safe! I have come to forgive my family for what they did to me. But i havnt forgave myself for what i did to my body. Thank you god i always new you was there!
sorry it took me so long to update u guys i have straght talk and i never know when i will have time on my phone!
now that im an adult i live in a group home with a guardion cause i have mental illnesses and ms. i dont mind liveing in one but id like to be back on my own someday. i want kids i wanna be married. but i cant cause i have a guardion. hell i cant even date! my guardion dont like it that im bi and she tells me if i date she will put me back in lockdown! lockdown is a place were u go where i have no freedom at all. i lived in my first 1 when i was 19 i hated it so much! the resdents was violint tords each other. i lived there for 3 years. and in 3 years i was raped. locked in a room with only a matteress Nd blinkets because i was cutting. but wat made me wanna cut was i was being raped and no one to talk to that would lisen so i was alone to deal with it. and i didnt know how to deal with it on my own. well im going to bed i will update agian soon! good night!
im sorry it took me so long to update. ive been busy with work and my counclers apponminets.
i got out of that lockdown and movied to a better one. this lockdown was more helpful i learned to take care of my self. it helped me with my life and how to cope with things better. i learned what it ment to love myself more. i was there for 1 year and it was amazing how i grew. i learned so much. dbt is one of the skills i learned. it showed me there is alote more then just cutting to releve my stress. i now journal when i feel like cutting. and yes it helps. i know now that not every person is bad and wants to hurt me. there is good people out there. i just had to find them. it took me all my life to find good people. i would proubly be still cutting if it wasnt for the people at hillview. i would proubly be dead. from cutting to much or cutting to deep. ive had so many overdoses ive cut a few times to deep but im still here for some reason.
i will update agian today when i get home
Sorry its been a few months. I'm doing a lot better now. I don't have my phone now I have a tablet now . It has spell check and I love it . Sense the last time I updated I finally was able to get a boyfriend. I'm thinking about writing poetry soon a posting it on here what do u Guy's think?
