50 Days Of Grey (#Wattys2015)

{ e i g h t e e n } : this is love

xviii : love

❝a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person❞

[Day 21]

I close my eyes, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.  This is love, when you feel like you're paralyzed in one space when you see that person.  This is love, when you can't breath whether he's looking or not.  This is love, when being in the same room as him makes you feel like you need to be next to him, to hold his hand, to hug him, to be with him in any way.  This is love, when you want to be the one to comfort him but you can't do so.  This is love, when it breaks your heart to see him with someone else, talking to someone else.

You don't acknowledge me anymore these days, you don't talk to me, and you don't look at me.  You stay away from me, but you don't hate me either.  You're civil.  Like I'm a stranger, like I'm not there, like I never existed in your life.  And I miss you glaring at me, talking badly at me, and acknowledging me with disgust, 'cause that's better than acting as if I'm nothing.  Because I know that with hate, with hate comes feelings, and with indifference, with avoidance, with ignorance, comes releasing any other intense feelings you have left with me.  And I'm hurt, because I want to be noticed by you again.  Even if it meant you still hated me.  And I know I'm selfish, but I just want you again.

 Love is binding, you might think that a little crush is harmless, it's not.  That's where it starts, run, run, run before the pain comes, run before it consumes you... Run.  Love is binding, binding fingers, hands, legs.  It binds even your heart, your insides, makes you unable to move, to breath.  It's sets fire to your insides...  Don't you see how dangerous to love is? 

Love is needing, love is to risk security, love is to live for something.  Living for something, makes everything else meaningless.  To lose that something, will shatter you, break you, crush you.  Love is selfish in the way that you wouldn't want to have someone else hold whom you love, in the way that you are too selfish to let go... To give up, whether right or wrong..  Love is a disease, spreding from your heart to the rest of your parts till it overcomes the brain, lastly and triumphantly.  Run.  Run for all it's worth.  Save yourself.  Save yourselves.

Love is blinding and sickening and wondeful and glorious... And I miss you. I miss you. I just miss you so much.  This is how it feels to love someone who treats you like a stranger.  This is how it feels like to love someone who used to love you back but now treats you like a stranger.  This is how it feels like to love someone who used to love you back but because you were an idiot and you left him for various reasons treats you like a stranger.

Love.  Love is like the ocean tide.  It comes at you, fast and furious, and the water's welcoming and beautiful, and when you step in you're in love with the ocean but it's now too cold, but you stay and get used to it.  But there it goes and it leaves you.  Love betrays you.  Comes and leaves as it pleases. 

This is love.  Love that I want to rid myself of, but can't get enough of.  This is love.  And love is you.  And I love you.

{ the beginning of love }

It takes a while but it registers in my mind, and the puzzle pieces start forming an image.  The image of something I want but refuse to have.  You.  Me.  Us.  Together...  It's the image I've been shooing away from my mind and I don't understand.  I don't understand it anymore.  I don't understand why I feel this way, how I became like, like this. 

But I do understand.  I understand everything.  I understand that I want to wake up and see your smile.  I understand that I love the color and shade of your eyes, and that I can look in your eyes for hours -which you know is so unlike me, because I despise long eye contact- without looking away.  I understand that my heart races when you're near.  I understand that I care about you more than I do others.  I understand that your constantly in my mind.  I understand that I like the sound of your voice, talking to me, but I don't like it when you're talking to someone else especially when that someone else is a girl.  I understand that I love you.  And I understand everything about it.

❝love spreads, covers, embraces, bites, protects, fights, and kills.  and no matter how bipolar love is, people still keep searching for it.❞