Nonchalance

Chapter 1

Every blink was effort. Each time I closed my eyes, it took twice as long to re-open them. My vision was blurring, and my lids were becoming sticky with sweat. All I could see in front of me was a glaring screen and her username printed in bold. This is how I spend most of my evenings, or lets just say all of my evenings. There's this nagging voice in the back of my head, telling me to check her account. Maybe she's posted something new. Or maybe she's sent me a DM telling me how much she loves me and how sorry she was for ignoring me all day. But the outcome is the same as it was last night, and the night before... and the night before that too. Still no post. And still no notification from her. Even though I know that things will never be the same as they used to be, something within me tells me that it isn't over.

I've become obsessive. I've turned into the person I never wanted to be. 

I roll my eyes at the drained laptop, over heating and burning my thighs. It's almost as if it's begging for it's life back. Remembering the days when my tabs were full with funny YouTube videos and effortless chat rooms where you'd spend hours on end talking to random strangers like there's no tomorrow. But now, it knows one website and one website only. That's hers. 

She sees me in the daytime, at school. She talks to me as if I'm just another one of her friends... but i'm so much more than that. Or so she's made me believe. I'm her special friend. The type of friend where the line between friendship and relationship is a little bit faded. And someone could accidentally step over that line. I've done it in the past. And so has she. But now she just acts like it was nothing?! 

"Come on... please tell me who you like?!" I laugh, while eagerly waiting for her answer.

She looks around nervously, before responding "It's... you." 

Silence.

Those words haunt me everyday. I must say, my reaction was a little extreme. Throwing up from intense anxiety and getting the bus home with a bit of pot noodle stuck to my cheek isn't the most attractive I've been. And it's certainly not something I want to be remembered as. But feeling nauseous, shaky and getting heart palpitations isn't something I can control. 

Ever since that day, things have changed. I've been too scared of seeing her although it's something I have to do daily. I have to go to a therapist and be given coping mechanisms for panic attacks. She has to see me with purple bags under my eyes, a nonchalant expression and shaky hands. She's afraid of me. And she's afraid of my reaction. One minute I could be smiling and the next, I could be running to the girls bathroom and puking in the toilet. 

I feel weak. I feel vulnerable. How could I let someone have so much control over me? And my body?

So here I am, after a long day of school. It's 9pm and I'm still sitting in my uniform because I couldn't be bothered taking it off when I got home. I'm starving myself during the day, because my appetite is small and then when I come back, I eat a bar of chocolate. My fingernails are growing long and dirty. And my blisters are bleeding on the back of my feet. My skin is red and blotchy from crying. And my hair is greasy because I haven't taken a shower in days. 

But what is the point in hygiene and maintenance when nobody gives a fuck? I don't even bother impressing her anymore because it's not like she'll come back to me. But she could do. She could do. Do I even want her coming back to me? If I'm gonna feel nauseous each time I see her, I doubt things will ever return to normal. 

I go upstairs and prepare for the long night ahead. Which will be interrupted by intruding thoughts and worries.