We All Scream

|5|

He reaches the street his house is on. When he's a few houses away, he hears familiar crying. He bolts for the house. He climbs in the window and runs out of his room.

"Shut up!" his father screams at the scene in the living room.

Jordan is the one crying, leaning over a motionless Abigail. Josh runs to them.

"Josh!" Jordan grabs him.

"What happened?" Josh demands, kneeling over Abigail. She doesn't even look like she's breathing.

"He hit her and she fell," Jordan replies, sobbing.

Josh glances at his dad to make sure he isn't about to come at them. After the longest time, he's gotten used to avoiding his dad as best he can.

Josh doesn't see her breathing. He starts to panic.

"Jordan, I said shut your f***ing mouth!" He lurches forward and grabs Jordan's arm, dragging him away from Josh.

"No!" Josh jumps between them, trying to separate them. He knows no one is safe in his dad's drunk hands. Jordan starts screaming as Josh tries to pry his dad's hand away from the boy's arm. Josh is almost in tears.

"Let go!" his dad screams. He punches Josh in the head, and Josh stumbles away. He runs back to where his dad is pulling Jordan away. He just needs to separate them. Then they can try to get Abigail and run out.

Blue. Bright-blue. Bright-f***ing-blue. Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue. Josh doesn't want the word for the color, but it comes anyway. Fear.

Josh grabs his dad's arm and bites it at hard as he can. Too much experience has taught him he's not strong enough against his dad. Thankfully, he lets go of Jordan. Josh grabs Jordan and drags him away. They end up in the kitchen. Josh tries to think quickly, grabbing a large knife and whipping around. They're cornered, but Josh shoves Jordan behind him. His heart is pounding heavily and his vision starts getting a little blurry.

Their dad starts yelling about obedience and respect, cussing with every other word. Josh holds the knife tightly in one hand. Jordan is still screaming.

"Jordan, stop," Josh says forcefully.

Jordan stops screaming.

Josh knows he needs to get out of the kitchen, get Abigail, and get out of the house with Jordan as fast as possible. Bright-blue clouds his vision. He holds Jordan behind him, probably crushing him against the counter as well. His dad yells for him to put the knife down, but he just holds it higher. He isn't sure if he can kill his dad. He hopes it will never come to that.

"Get out of the way." Josh tries to say it normally, but it comes out sounding a lot bluer than he wanted. I sound afraid, not blue, he corrects himself.

What person has to hold a knife to his own father to protect his siblings? he asks himself. Why me?

His dad gets closer. Josh prepares to try to run around him with Jordan. Josh blocks out his dad's yelling, like he always does. It's too black. Not blacker-than-black yet. Nothing will be that black.

Black, black, blue, blue, black, blue, blue, black. Josh realizes he's saying the colors. "Black, blue, black, blue, black, blue."

"Shut up! My son is a f***ing idiot."

"I'm not your son," Josh mumbles, a black-and-blue tear falling down his face. He grabs Jordan's wrist and drags him to the side. He runs to Abigail. "Jordan, get out of the house," he orders as he kneels down to pick up Abigail. Jordan doesn't move, but Josh just grabs Abigail and runs for the door. Thankfully, Jordan follows him. They run out the door as fast as they can.

They run for a while until they know their dad isn't following them. Then they stop and Josh sets Abigail down to look at her.

"He killed her," Jordan cries.

"She's just unconscious," Josh objects. Please just be unconscious. Please.

He checks for breathing first, but there is none. He checks for a pulse. He doesn't feel anything,  but he's not sure if he's even doing it right. His heart is racing at a hundred miles a beat.

"Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue," he mumbles frantically.

"Josh, he killed Abigail."

"No he didn't."

"Josh." Jordan grabs his arm.

"She's not dead," Josh insists. He lifts Abigail onto his lap, but she's completely unresponsive. Her skin is pale. He notices some blood on her dark hair. With a little searching, he finds a gash on the back of her head. "What happened?"

Jordan can barely get the words out through the tears. "Dad came home when we were playing in the living room. He wanted to know what we were playing. We moved away from him and h-h-he got angry. Abigail screamed for y-y-you and that made him more mad. He-he-he-he grabbed h-her and-" His voice becomes unintelligible as he shakes from sobs.

Josh's heart slips downward. It's not blacker-than-black, but it's closer than anything has been.

It's his fault. There's no way around it except that he wasn't there when Abigail and Jordan needed him. It's his fault. He was sitting in a forest hugging someone.

"I'm so f***ing sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm f***ing sorry." He clutches his head, fingers digging into his skull involuntarily.

"Josh." Jordan grips Josh's arm.

"It's my fault I'm f***ing sorry." He starts rocking, feeling like a vice is crushing his rib cage. He starts falling. All he can think is, my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault.

He squeezes his eyes shut as hard as he can while pressing on his temples. He can't feel anything. Why can't he feel anything? Why can't he feel anything? Just the black black black black black black black BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACK.

Burn the black away.

He pulls out his lighter and flicks it on. He holds it to his arm.

He feels that.

"Josh!" Jordan yells. Josh shoves him away, bringing the lighter back to his arm. Just black. Less black. "Josh, stop! Josh, stop!" Jordan pulls on his arm. "Don't hurt yourself!"

Josh freezes. Tyler said those words to him yesterday.

"Josh." Jordan hugs him.

Josh hugs back. He was just in this position with Tyler.

Tyler.

"You're not going to kill yourself now are you?"

"As long as you don't."

Josh hugs Jordan tighter. Half of him wishes Tyler is there, but the other half knows he could never bear to let Tyler see him like this. Tears streaming down his face. Holding a dead girl and a sobbing boy.

And Tyler would know it was Josh's fault. Tyler would hate him. Or he would stop loving him.

You don't love someone who's the reason a little girl is dead.

I should have died instead. I should have been there. It's my fault.

He holds Jordan in his arms and they cry together, tears drenching their empty-white sister.

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