Things I'll Never Say To You

Introduction

My life was full of slamming car doors and empty parking lots, lighting candles and stepping on cigarettes. My days consisted of wearing dirty shoes with no socks and snapping pictures of sunsets, while we played our music too loud and swayed our hips left and right. I was stuck in tangled sheets and back seats with someone who never loved me. I could always smell my own perfume because I was afraid of smelling like drugs. I always caught people rolling their eyes at me and I always caught people trying to get to know me just to say that they do. I always heard something I didn't want to hear and I always did something I shouldn't have. I was afraid and insecure and sometimes ignored right from wrong. I made my mistakes and learned my lessons. I adored crooked teeth and basic cars. I climbed trees and drunkenly stumbled in the streets. I hung around people I didn't like to give myself a different image and I hung around people who I loved more than anything and that made it hard for me to be around them. I lost someone who never died and missed someone who never existed. I struggled with my beliefs in god, I'm still not sure if he's real. I looked up at the stars like they were supposed to change me or guide me. Most of the time when I get too high, I fly past the stars and into darkness where I overthink every little detail. I can watch the same sad movie a million times and cry my eyes out every time. I've never felt normal but I thought I felt it with him. My thoughts consisted of killing myself and killing them. My nightmares made me afraid of my own bed and sadly that was the only place I felt safe. Maybe I poured too much of my heart and soul into other people, afraid I would hurt them. And my lack of self respect forced me to never be afraid of hurting myself. I deserved whatever I got. 

However, I've grown since then. Although I had wished to never love at all, it is better to love and lose. And I've learned to control my high and to continue to gaze at the stars while they glimmer in hope. Climbing and stumbling only made me fall but I'll laugh on the way down. I'll probably be deaf by the time I'm forty but can you blame me? I love that song! I am learning not to care as much and I am learning that I deserve better than what I've gotten. I won't just accept things, I'll change them. 

For those of you lost in love or torn over heartbreak, this ones for you.