My Poems/Writings

Him.

I love him. I really do.
But I also hate him with a deep dark passion.
Do you ever get the feeling.....that. You love someone? You love everything about them? Their smile, the way they talk, they way they carry themselves. You guys have a connection so strong and so deep that no one in the world around you will ever understand? You feel as if you can talk to them quite easily, you feel comfortable around them, no judgement fills any spaces. No tension. No awkwardness. Just love. But secretly.

But......then it hits you.
You put eachother through shit. You torn eachother apart, picking at their self esteem, pushing them further and further away until you are finally just barely hanging on? You can be inseparable one minute and then the next you guys are strangers, then, the cycle repeats itself except it grows worse and worse everytime. It's almost like being trapped in a nightmare maze you can't escape from, but the only way out is to literally give up.

It hurts. Loving someone. Especially ones who love someone else. Loving someone who YOU damaged without even realizing it. Loving someone you acted like a monster to. Loving someone who potentially threw karma your way. Loving someone who finally moved on and your still waiting for them.

I'll never love anyone like I loved him. Ever. So it seems as of right now. He was the first to ever say they loved me. And meant it. He actually cared about me but I threw his kindness in the trash, took everything he did to me for granted. And I can never take it back. Yet I apologized and he forgave me and we moved on and are still friends, I still find myself reminiscing about our past, the bond we had. The incomparable love we shared. It's gone. He has her. I have myself wishing.....begging....pleading he will come back eventually. I have to earn that but there's a certain part of me that says....fuck it. Why should you try again? To hurt him again? For him to hurt you so you can experience his pain? I can't do it. Relationships messed me up. It broke my trust. I can't ever look at a guy the same, but especially him. I hate him. But I love him. No I can't. He has her. So I hate him. Though, does he possibly love me? Does he? Will we ever be again? Will we ever be ride or die? Will we ever reconnect and make others among us envious of our powerful emotions toward eachother? Will we ever be one....? Will we ever grow old together....get married like even HE said we would? I don't know. I just don't know. But there is one thing I do know. I hate him.......so much. For what he has done to me.