Christmas Heartache (Celebration Series 1)

Chapter Two- A visit

I had arrived at Cassie's to find that she was a little worried about a rash around Elsie's mouth. It turns out she had had a few new season strawberries and after I mentioned that this was probably the reason for the rash Cassie was able to relax.

I put some cream on Elsies mouth and put her down for her nap while Cassie dished up quiche and salad for our lunch.

I sat down to a lovely lunch set at an outdoor table in the sun, beautiful views down the harbour. Cassie stood to adjust the sun umbrella, "Well Max is determined to get a new vehicle for me. I don't know. I feel like he is railroading me into. Part of me wants to stick to my old run about Mazda, but he keeps bringing up Elsie's safety and I couldn't live with myself if anything happened...so..." Her voice talked off as she flopped into her seat, grabbing a handful of carrot sticks and started munching.

Staring at me with the insight of a friend she asks, "How are you? Christmas will be hard for you and the kids. "

I smiled, "I've got a pretty basic Christmas planned. But I guess I keep watching the kids wondering when it will fall apart for them. But they have grieved for Cam in such a mature way. They miss him, and we cry together, but their school grades are so good. They both love sport. We are fortunate to have great teachers and coaches ."

"You will still come to us for Christmas won't you? Maxs parents are off overseas watching his brother Alex in the finals of his first NBL season, it'll just be a small group and you and the kids know them all." I smiled, nodding my grateful thanks. I hadn't given the actual day any particular thought.

I looked down with a slight blush knowing I wanted to ask Cassie about something but I just didn't know where to begin. "Can I ask you something? It is a bit delicate so I will try and be tactful. If you would rather not answer it's fine. "

Cassie reached across the table taking my hand, "Anything. You know Max and I loved you and Cam like family. As far as I am concerned, ask away. "

I paused trying to find a way to broach the subject. I looked down the harbour as it sparkled with the promise of another stunning summer season, wondering when I would shake this sick nauseous feeling in my stomach from all the issues surrounding being alone, planning for the children without losing my grip on reality. This daydreamig about Dave needed to be reined in, but it was such a blissful break from the mental strain I felt constantly under.

"Do you think, when you are in the moment with someone, not being able to, you know 'get there' that its ok to ahhh... think about someone else?" I couldn't look Cassie in the eye. This was one of the many things that kept me awake at night. The bright lights of Christmas, cheery store windows just made me feel that much darker and more unworthy than usual.

Cassie took her time answering. "Oh my darling." She sighed. " You shouldn't give yourself a hard time. You and Cam would have worked things out. It wouldn't have lasted like that. "

I stood up quickly, "Really? There are days that I try that angle, but I know in my heart it isn't true. " I thought about all the times we had fought. He was clearly not happy, constantly arguing about my choices with spending, not trusting me and he never once would stroke or hold me with any sense of awe or attraction. As the children were growing and needing me less, I had turned to our relationship and found I was selfishly asking the question if it had ever been right.

"Did I make this happen? " I gasped a sob, covering my mouth. Cassie came to me and held me rubbing my back. "There were times when we'd fight that I would ...I would think it. .. or wish it. .." Cassie continued to reassure me like the good friend she was. But now my heart felt dark with betrayal and I knew that I cried more for my own selfishness and failings than anything else. Highest on my list was disgust in my self that I could find any morbid sense of relief in my marriage being over, but I did. I really struggled to feel sadness for anyone but the kids who missed their Dad.