The Ghost Of My Feelings For You

Thoughts louder than my words

It's been years. Years since we last talked. Years since we ended things for each other.
People ask me a lot of things.
A lot of questions about you. About us.
"How are you holding up?" Fine.
"Are you okay?" Yes.
"How did you break up?" ...
"Do you want to get back with him?" ......

I try to dismiss it, you know.
I tried so hard, so desperately, to forget about you.
But I can't.
It's like you're a lost limb. I just can't fully function without you.
You're like that tooth I lost when I was four.
I kept crying because it just felt weird. It felt wrong. It felt sad.
I kept crying because when there's a missing part of you, you always know it's not there.

You were that to me. Every single day, I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried.
To the point where I'd be exhausted.
To the point where I couldn't move.
I would just lay down on my bed.
I'd never stand to eat. I'd never stand to take a shower. Nor to open or close the lights.
The only light that I ever had was the sunlight through the window.
I lost the will to do anything.
You have left a void in me the moment that you left.
Even though years have passed it's still you that's occupying my mind.
The only person in my heart.
It's a very cliché thing to say, I know. If I told you that you'd probably just laugh at me.
At how cliché it is. And I'd laugh with you because I thought so too. But it's true.
It's how I feel. I wonder... If I say it now, how would you react?

I remember that day so well. How it started. How it ended.
Every bit of it. Always playing in my mind. Again and again.
Like rubbing it in my face that you're not with me anymore.

I regretted everything, you know...
I did.....
If only I could go back one more time, I'd fix everything.
I'd fix us.
Because that's the only thing I have. The only thing I had.
I hated myself. I hated myself for doing that to you.
I hated myself so much. I loathed myself.
You were broken enough. And yet I broke you more.
I'm supposed to help you get through it. Get through everything. Together.

And yet...

I did that.

I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.

I kept repeating it in my mind.

You're a piece of shit.
You're a piece of shit.
You're a fucking piece of shit.
YOU ARE A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

My thoughts were so loud.
I tried to distract myself but I couldn't.
Even now.
I try to seem okay.
I try to look like I'm okay.
I try to convince myself it's okay.
But it's not.
I was never okay.
And I sure as hell ain't any better now.

Now that you're gone.
Now that I can't hold you tight in my arms anymore.
Now that I can't kiss you anymore.
Now that I can't be with you anymore.

I wish I could take it back.
The you and me back then.
If only I wasn't so stupid.
If only I was stronger.

If only.............