Mistake

When I was 6 I would look at myself in the mirror and ask "what's wrong with me?"
I would try and find the hints of where I went wrong, of why I wasn't good enough.
That's when the sadness came,
The crying and screaming,
The hate toward my own body,
My temple.
And then when I became 12 I tried again.
I would question everything about myself
Even tho I barely knew who I was.
All because of him!
I would pinch my legs and arms asking
"Is it cuz I'm not tan like him?"
"Is it cuz I'm short and not tall?"
I would try and force my eyes to change shape and form and be brighter.
Thinking if maybe my eyes were blue like his;
Just maybe he would want me.
Then the cutting came
I tried so hard to change
To make myself be better to look and act how he wanted.
Until I lost myself is the cover of all the masks.
And then I turned 18
And I got sick
I gave up
I lost
I had finally found the answer
You can't make someone love you just because you came from them
Just because they helped you come to life
Gave you blood and skin and feelings
Heartbeat
Why would he need me
Now I'm 23
I've come to learn that man
Can me kind gentle honest trusting
I've accepted that I am able to be loved
That I am not a machine that is broken
I am human
I am my mothers life
I am my husbands love
I am me
But most importantly
I am not my fathers mistake