Christmas Heartache (Celebration Series 1)

Chapter Three-Christmas Tree

Tom wanted a live christmas tree.  

It had always been something that Cam would go and do with him.  Although they usually bought it from a local seller, they invariably needed to use the axe, saw or loppers on it when they got home.  All in all a  masculine persuit and part of male bonding between father and son. I had hoped to avoid it this year or any of the many other reminders of past christmas' but I appreciated that I would need to accomodate the children's needs as well.

There were only two weeks left til christmas and I had avoided the shops with a passion. There had been something of a plumbing emergency in the downstairs bathroom so I had needed to call out a plumber. It had eaten up almost all the money that had come through as a cash advance on the scholarships that the children had been awarded at school.  So no new shoes, but the old ones still had some life in them if I was creative with a little super glue.

I was grateful that we had paid off the house in our early marriage, but the on going maintenance was really costly.  Especially as I couldn't do many of the things that needed to be done.  Cam had been very capable when it came to DIY and I guess I had never shown my appreciation for this when he was alive,  as much as I should have.  Just another regret to add to my list.

Tom interrupted my thoughts with, "Please Mum.  I'll take care of it, and they never cost that much." I turned away and grimaced, realising that I would have to let him down carefully somehow, because even the small amount of change that I had left  was well and truly spoken for, as I wouldn't be back teaching until the end of January after the summer holidays, and I would need to make the money last.  Christmas tree, or bread and milk...?

"Well leave it with me for a few days Tom and I will sort something.  I will have a think about it."

He called after me as I disappeared down the hall as quickly as I could, "I will sort it Mum, don't you worry about it."  I didn't want him to see me cry, again.  He was so brave.  He had lost his Dad, and his hero. I couldn't cope with reconciling my relief of a bad marriage ended with his grief of loosing his dad and it was doing my head in.   I was sobbing my the time I got to the bedroom.  I sank onto the bed fully clothed and gave myself over to the gauntlet of emotions that were trying to get out. After a short while I fell asleep from physical and emotional exhaustion.

"Don't, you're too beautiful to cry."  His hand rested gently against the side of my face, his thumb wiping gently across my cheek, continuing to carress it long after the tears were gone. He was gentle, adoring, and so kind.  But just when I thought I had his emotional palatte down,  his jaw clenched, and an animal like growl came from the back of his throat, "So beautiful that any clothes hiding your body right now is a crime.'"  He stepped back, planting his feet and folding his arms,  he added, "Take them off. Do it," he demanded. 

How had it come to this, our eyes were locked and the tension in the room was something I never knew could actually be real.  We were hungry for  one another, the thought of pressing my aching breasts against his chest, feeling his hands on my body, was the one thing that motivated me.  I had to do this, I had to know what this would be like, I couldn't live life without knowing what it felt like to let this kind of passion out and consume me in a moment of mutual attraction....

I sat up startled and disoriented, and as usual after a dream that intense, I knew I would need to sort myself before going out to organise a late supper for the children.  Tom was probably on his x-box and Jessie no doubt was talking on the phone to friends.  She would tell me constantly that it was girlfriends but I am not so sure that there aren't a growing number of boys in her friends list, but I just hoped that our talking allowed  her to be careful and to stay focused on her school work for now.  Through my blurry state I could hear voices.  I eased off the edge of the bed and headed down the hall.