Deep

The way i am

You see? Im the only child and right now i haven't seen my dad in 3 months so its just me and my mom. 

Back in 6th grade i was suffering from depression and anxiety becouse of how i was bullied and everyone thought that i was a peice of shit.. i had no freinds... i had no one to go too. I cut myself along the way i as i got to the begining of 7th. I was getting worse and worse. I only had a councler to talk too.. My councler dident do jack shit for me, he was awkward and we just sat there in the room where there was silent. And the silence was killing me. 

I have a hard time telling people my feelings and expressing my feelngs to people becouse no one listend to me and they would rather here something else from a different person.. i dident share my thoughts becouse in reality no one seemed to care... Anxiety and depression are so hard to beat it felt like i was drowning in a pool of my own thoughts to myself. Having deoression feels like you just wanna be done with everything and you dont seem to care about anything and thats where anxiety comes in too and makes sure you have to do everything right. I have a lot of social anxiety and its very hard to tell people something your afraid about and i got so nervouse talking to people. My mouth would get dry.. and i had butterflies in my stomache and i always felt like throwing up and my throat would always feel like i swallowed a pill dry. 

Which i always did everything wrong aparntly and i had a low self esteem and i treid to fix it then i overthink it then i get to a point where i just wanna to end, and slit my wrists and numb the pain. Then i overthink about the past and a future and thats where my anxiety goes out and beyond. Over the past 4 years i treid to kill myself i couldent help dealing with that anymore so i started the habbit of cutting. Then more suicidal thoughts... then more cutting of the wirsts and nothing would stop me, i would hide it and not even tell anyone..not even my councler. My councler never tried to help me... Never even tried to prescripted medication. I kept getting worse and worse. The feeling of the loneliness also got to me. I was so lonely. 

Until i met my Bestfriend in the middle of 7th grade she was literly my world my everything the only person i had it going with.. she helped become better and to relize who i was, she was literly my guide in life and light. I loved her so much. She was different and i accepted her in her own ways, and she accepted me. We were such good freinds, i told her everything....about literly everything of whats going on in my life. And she helped me through it. We would always lough and giggle, i wuld always just look forward to just seeing her at school becouse i just hated everybody. And she always seemed she cared about me. We spent most of our time together laughing and having fun. My reputation went up and i got used to talking to people and everyone started to love me and i started having a few other freinds becouse i expressed who i was and i was funny and everyone loved me. Then during the summer we spent so much time togerther until she got busy toward the end and it was time to move on to 8th grade. 

Then one day in 8th grade she decided to wake up and never talk to me agian. We started seperating and she started making new freinds with people and the only person i actaully cared about was her. She was my everything now i felt the lonelyness and the emtpyness. She replaced me with other freinds and i felt so insecure. Then i went back to being lonely and depressed becouse she was everything and i needed her more than ever. She cares more about those other freinds and has totally forgotten about me. I was so sad in school everyday becouse of it, i had to call my mom and tell her im having a emotional breakdown right in the middle of class so i would just run to the bathroom and call my mom. Then i got tired of it so i started back to cutting. She would go for a week without texting me, or talking to me. And we would talk to each other everyday and text. And it breaks my heart to stop texting that one person you used to talk to everyday because your just so used to taking to that one person... And that one person.. was my bestfriend. 

How dare she leave me like that? What did i do wrong? Maby i was anooying or clingy? NO. that wasen't it because it was just my anxiety and i was trying to fix it all. I overthink it all. I asked those questions everyday evertime i would see her with those other girls and  i would think im better off alone anyways. I overthought all the time..... And there it goes i go back to cutting agian. I got even more worse. I straight up stoped talking to people and my reputation went back all the way down.