It all started when our uber geek, The Doctor, woke up in a swamp. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly concerned, The Doctor slapped a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved Sonic Screwdirver was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Clara. The Doctor had known Clara for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Clara was unique. She was clever though sometimes a little... clueless. The Doctor called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Clara picked up to a very angry The Doctor. Clara calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks grimace before mating, yet albino cats usually scandalously cringe *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting The Doctor. Why was Clara trying to distract The Doctor? Because she had snuck out from The Doctor's with the Sonic Screwdirver only five days prior. It was a electric little Sonic Screwdirver... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before The Doctor got back to the subject at hand: his Sonic Screwdirver. Clara panicked. Relunctantly, Clara invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Sonic Screwdirver. The Doctor grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Clara realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Sonic Screwdirver and she had to do it aptly. She figured that if The Doctor took the magic flying carpet, she had take at least three minutes before The Doctor would get there. But if he took the TARDIS? Then Clara would be alarmingly screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Clara was interrupted by eleven oafish Fishs that were lured by her Sonic Screwdirver. Clara sighed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling stunned, she aggressively reached for her potato and carefully deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the TARDIS rolling up. It was The Doctor.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, The Doctor was out of the TARDIS and went scandalously jaunting toward Clara's front door. Meanwhile inside, Clara was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Sonic Screwdirver into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind her hammock. Clara was puzzled but at least the Sonic Screwdirver was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Clara surreptitiously purred. With a deft push, The Doctor opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish self-righteous ass in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Clara assured him. The Doctor took a seat ridiculously far from where Clara had hidden the Sonic Screwdirver. Clara sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But The Doctor was distracted. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Clara noticed a annoying look on The Doctor's face. The Doctor slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Clara felt a stabbing pain in her scalp when The Doctor asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Sonic Screwdirver right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on The Doctor's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. The Doctor nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Clara could react, The Doctor carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Sonic Screwdirver was plainly in view.
The Doctor stared at Clara for what what must've been three minutes. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Clara groped wildly in The Doctor's direction, clearly desperate. The Doctor grabbed the Sonic Screwdirver and bolted for the door. It was locked. Clara let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, The Doctor,' she rebuked. Clara always had been a little pestering, so The Doctor knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Clara did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at her or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he gripped his Sonic Screwdirver tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Clara looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from The Doctor. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for The Doctor. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Clara walked over to the window and looked down. The Doctor was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, The Doctor was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Clara's place. The Doctor had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Fishs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Sonic Screwdirver. One by one they latched on to The Doctor. Already weakened from his injury, The Doctor yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Fishs running off with his Sonic Screwdirver.
But then God came down with His easygoing smile and restored The Doctor's Sonic Screwdirver. Feeling puzzled, God smote the Fishs for their injustice. Then He got in His hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle and jettisoned away with the fortitude of 61 long-haired sea monkeys running from a shrunken pack of man-eating capybaras. The Doctor flipped with joy when he saw this. His Sonic Screwdirver was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in nine minutes his favorite TV show, 2 Broke Girls, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When South American hissing sloths meet rusty razor blade'). The Doctor was jubilant. And so, everyone except Clara and a few malaria-toting disease-carrying chipmunks lived blissfully happy, forever after.
