Broken Dream

Untitled Part 1

'I love you' I whispered, my voice broken and lost in the wind, as I watched him stride away from me without looking back.

Hot tears made tracks down my cheeks and my knee's gave out as an all too familiar pain made itself known in my chest.

Too many times have I watched the people I love walk away... but somehow this was so much worse. Was it because he owned my heart and soul? Was it because he was the first person outside of my family who I had loved?

The reasons mattered not! What mattered, I soon discovered, was finding a way to keep breathing through the pain that closed my throat and threatened to stop my heart.

My brain was frozen, trying to find logic in the swirling vortex that was my emotional state...

I surged to my feet, my breathing laboured, my arms stretched out in front of me as I tried to run after him.

My legs were like jelly, collapsing under me continuously, but I refused to give up. Getting back onto my feet each time I fell, desperate to reach him. To stop him. To tell him, before it was too late. To tell him just how much I loved him.

But it was pointless. As I took one final step forward, my knee's once again buckling, my voice lost amongst the ringing in my ears, blackness closing in around me, until the only light source was his retreating figure in the distance and I screamed until my voice was raw and darkness finally consumed me, as I hit the cold, hard, merciless ground.

***

I jerked awake, scream trapped in my throat and a heavy feeling over my heart.

Gripping my duvet in my hands, until my knuckles where white and my fingers ached with the effort, I forced myself to breathe normally.

Once my breathing was under control and my chest had loosened up, I sighed and got out of bed.

This may seem like a really nonchalant attitude to such a pain filled dream, but you see, I have been experiencing these for months now, ever since the love of my life started dating my best friend.

Life sucks and fates a bitch, so what can you do?! I'll tell you what I did, I buried my feelings, put on a fake smile and tried to be happy for them... Which is probably why I have such horrible dreams.

Although these dreams are nothing compared to my everyday life. Having to watch the happiness between two people you cared for in different ways (one you loved platonically and the other romantically) was something like being in the seventh circle of hell.

I sighed again as I finished getting ready for school, my short, black hair mused, and my violet eyes hooded. I used to enjoy school. The drama and the fact that every day was somehow different even if it was monotonous, rigid and structured. Not anymore though, now all I wanted was to be left alone so that I could read.

Each book a new world to loose myself in. A world that was different and where I didn't have anyone to please and placate.

Taking a deep breath, I locked my heart away, straightened my spine and prepared myself for the day ahead, as I opened my door to greet the sunny day! (Even nature mocks me with it's happiness)...

***

'Anya'

I paused as I heard someone shout my name. Looking back I saw Julie, my best friend, racing towards me with Ryan, her boyfriend (and my secret love) not far behind.

'Where have you been? Half the school day has gone past already!' Julie whined as she glommed herself onto my slightly chubby frame.

'Sorry, sorry!' I proclaimed faking a smile. 'My dad wanted to talk to me about something. Morning Ryan.' I stated with a smile at him. I felt my traitorous heart flip in my chest when he gave me a broad smile and a wink in return.

'Sounds serious, what's up?' Julie questioned.

'Do we have to talk about it now?' I replied wincing. This was not going to be a conversation I would enjoy.

'YES!!' Julie shouted, stomping her foot and pouting at me.

I sighed: 'We're moving... My dad got a new job in Japan and we're leaving in two weeks time.'

'What!! I don't believe this!!' Julie shouts as my step-brother, Liam, walks past.

'Oh, so did you finally decide to tell her that you love her boyfriend.' he said as he moved past.

A shocked and heavy silence filled the air between us as I paled and struggled to catch my breath. Julie and Ryan looked just as shocked.

Time seemed to still around us as nobody moved, we barely breathed. *Slap* The sound reverberated in the silence as a second later I felt the sting in my cheek. Julie had slapped me.

With one last look of betrayal in my direction she grabbed Ryan and dragged him away.

***

Two weeks later, and I was praying that we would leave faster. I had yet to forgive Liam for spreading my secret so things were very tense at home. Unfortunately, they were worse at school! Only the teachers spoke to me there, otherwise I was glared to by everyone, my feelings for Ryan now well known.

The day of my departure from the country Ryan pitched up on my door step.

'Anya. We need to talk about this!' he said softly, but firmly.

'There's nothing to say Ry! It is what it is.'

'We can't just leave things like this. You're one of my best friends, I can't stand to see you treated so badly at school!'

'It's still pointless! I'm leaving for Japan in a few hours!'

'All the more reason. Look Anya, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I never noticed how you felt. I'm sorry that I fell for your best friend... Please, I love you, let me make this right!' He proclaimed desperately.

I looked up into his deep brown eyes and gave a sad smile, tears threatening to fall.

'Ryan - stop. You have nothing to apologise for. Nothing to feel bad about. Yes, I love you. A part of me probably always will, but those are my feelings and you don't hold any responsibility for them. I am truly happy for you and Julie, and I hope that your lives will be filled with happiness, love and laughter. Not every story has a happy ending, but my story isn't finished yet. This is but a chapter! There is so much more yet to come. I will find love again and chances are it will be an even greater love. My story isn't over, it's only just beginning! Stop fretting and trying to make right what can't be fixed.' I said as the tears slowly streamed down my face and my heart broke in my chest. Taking a deep breath i continued:

'I will be honest about this just this once: I have loved you since we were kids and you caught that butterfly for me to stop me from crying after my mom died. I was always to scared to say anything. Convinced that you deserved so much better than me, the gloomy introvert, more focused on imaginary worlds and people than I was on the real world around me. I refused to believe that I deserved happiness. So I stayed a friend and this is how it turned out... I will always regret that I never had the courage to reach for you and tell you my honest feelings, but that is now in the past and I have been granted the opportunity to move on! To start fresh! I need you to let me!'

At this point my breath was hitching and everything was blearing around me. I bit my cheek and drew in a deep breathe to continue, slapping Ryan's hands away as they reached out to draw me into a hug.

'I don't want your false words of affection and love. That, more than anything else, will kill me! Goodbye, Ryan... When we meet again everything will be different, but similar. You will always be my friend and the first person I ever loved. I will miss you.' I said, as I reached up to cup his cheek. Standing on my tip-toes I kissed the corner of his mouth softly than closed the door, leaving him standing there as I left to find my new path, my new journey and adventure.

***

"Everything will be alright in the end! If it's not alright it's not the end!"

- The very best Marigold Hotel.

***