My life with depression

Hello. My name is Katie. I am 16 years old and this is my story about my struggle with depression and anxiety.

At 2 months old my mom and dad divorced. I always felt I was the reason he left. Because at that time my brother was 5 and I was a new born. I couldn't understand why he waited that long if it wasn't because of me.

I got a little older. He had a girlfriend from when I was the age of 3 to the age of 9. She was like a second mom to me. At the age of 5 my little brother was born. He was born with cystic fibrosis. It's a disease passed down through the family line that causes thick mucus to build up in the lungs, digestive tract, and other areas of the body. It is a life threatening disease. They found out that he was sick when I was about 7. All I could do was cry. They told me he possibly couldn't live past 30. He has so far been hospitalized twice but he is doing really good. At 9 my dad and his girlfriend broke up. I was devastated.

Well, in school I've always been the bigger kid. I started exploring my sexuality at as young as 2nd grade. In 5th grade everything started going down hill.

My dad got a new girlfriend. She caused me and my family HELL!!! She made my dad take all of mine and my older brother's money out of the bank. All of our college money gone. She told me ill be pregnant by 16, ill never be anything in life, and I couldn't be in honors classes. She made my self esteem drop. Since my dad started dating her he changed. He tried to force me to sleep at his house even though I didn't feel safe there. This ruined me and my dad's relationship.

My middle school years I had a lot of friends. They were really messy though. In 7th grade I got my first real, long term boyfriend. We dated over a year. He was my first love. I was truly inlove with him. He was my best friend. In 8th grade I ended up ending it with him. I couldn't take it anymore. He cheated on me and his friends were trying to control our relationship. In 8th grade I also started to date my bestfriend (a girl). After a month we broke up. We are still friends to this day.

At 13, I met a guy. We hung out a lot. I started to love him and care about him a lot. I wanted to be with him but he had a girlfriend so, I moved on.

Then, there was the summer before high school. I smoked marijuana for the first time. That year I also got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I started counseling and started taking medication. It helped a lot. My freshman year I smoked marijuana as much as possible all through my junior year. I felt that getting high helped me escape from how I felt inside. But truly, it made it worse. I always felt bad after smoking. The summer before junior year at 16 I lost my virginity to the guy I met at 13. I don't regret who I did it with but, I regret the age I lost it at and that I wasn't married. I try to turn to guys to fill the hole my dad left. I try to find someone to show me the love my dad didn't give me.

I started cutting at 14. It got worse at 16. It went from my wrist to my thighs. It always makes me feel better. I show how I feel on the inside by hurting myself on the outside. My weight always effected me. It still does. I try to exercise and eat right but it's hard.

I'm religious and everything I've done has effected me. I feel bad that I didn't wait till marriage. I feel bad that I like to smoke marijuana. I can't take it all back but, I wish I could. I know being suicidal is a sin but I hate living sometimes. I feel like a big screw up.

If it wasn't for God or my friends, I may not be alive right now. They showed me how to be strong and helped me get through the toughest things of my life. I still struggle with cutting, suicide, depression, and anxiety, but it gets better.

I hope my story helped you realize you are not alone with what you are going through. There are people out there who love you and are here to help you. You may not see it but I can promise you people do.

-Love, Katie

P.S. you're beautiful and don't forget that. It doesn't matter your race, age, gender, weight, or sexuality. You're beautiful because you're the best thing you could be. Yourself.

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I will start writing diary entries. This is just an overview of my story. The rest is about my daily struggle.

December 11, 2013 10:26 pm

I'm laying in my bed drowning in my thoughts. I just can't help but feel hurt, crushed, depressed. Monday my ex told me he hated me. Why? What did I do wrong? All I did was try to love him. For 11 months I never left his side. I can't take it.

I have ACT Saturday and I'm scared I'm going to get lower then a 20. This year is so stressful. All I do is sleep. I can't stand being so stressed.

Everyday before school I paint a smile on my face and get ready for school. I hide how I feel. I don't want people to see me how I truly feel. If I did I'd be crying everyday. I have no real friends. I have myself and my cat. That's it.

This time of the year gets so depressing. I miss my grandpa so much during the holidays. This is the first Christmas since my godfather passed away. I miss his and my grandfathers big smile. That's all I picture in my head.

I really need someone to talk to. I don't know who. No one ever cares. They're all like oh it'll be okay when it won't. Not right now at least. I know I keep rambling on but I'm just tired. So I'll go to sleep. Good night.