Her dark hair was flowing in the air while she was using her last powers to do the last dance moves of the choreography of Buttons. It had always been one of her favorite ones, it made her feel alive. She loved performing so much because it made her feel free. She could feel the good atmosphere and happiness around her every time she was on stage. She felt her heart beating fast and she was running out of breath, but nothing was able to take her attention off from the crowd that was screaming and crying out of happiness in front of her. They were all cheering and everyone was smiling widely - and so was her. They all made her feel so happy and they also made her forget her problems. That was important for her. Even if it was only just for a couple of hours a few times in a week, it still helped a lot. It was her way to escape, the whole music thing. She was smiling widely, looking at everyone in the crowd and thanking them a few times.
"Thank you so much for having me tonight, I love you all so so much!" she screamed on top of her lungs and laughed a little. "I can't wait to be back!" She felt really happy while she was performing, but after every performance the reality hit her, stronger and stronger by one performance at the time. After the applauses she realized that it was her time to left the stage for tonight and she slowly started to freak out a little. The end of the show meant that she would have to spend time alone. That was like hell to her. She would have to go to her hotel room alone, she would have to sleep alone and the most difficult thing - she would have to face her demons once again and alone. Everything alone. She was craving for someone to take care of her and her thoughts but no one did because she let no one in. She was ashamed and embarrassed of how messed she had become and that's why she didn't want anyone to know. She walked out of the stage, waving her hand to the audience and then rushing her way to the backstage.
She tried to be quick while grabbing all her stuff and packing for her way to the hotel, but everyone kept interrupting her. Asking this and that, nothing really made sense to her. They were just killing her time. She tried to take deep breaths to keep her inner control, but everything just kept running around in her head like crazy. She was fighting her inner demons every second when she wasn't on the stage. Reality was her biggest enemy. Her mental health wasn't in good condition but she had no one to talk to. She wish she had, though. Every day was just full of promo and performances, she had no time for people and she didn't know how to treat them. Especially after her break-up with her longtime boyfriend Lewis Hamilton, she had felt lost. How was she ever going to find another lover like him? She had put all her power and frustration in her music and since then it was like she had became a machine of her label. Moneymaking machine. She didn't care though. She was just glad that she was useful in something. She put all her stuff in her bag, put on her warm jacket and changed her shoes. She made her way to the door and opened it, feeling the cold air hit her like an invisible fist.
"Nicole! Don't forget this!" one of the crew members shouted to her when she was about to step out of the door to get some fresh air and finally to make her way to the hotel. She woke up form her thoughts and turned around, facing the man who gave her the hairbrush she had forgot on the table.
"Thank you", she mumbled unclearly and flashed a little shy smile to him. He smiled back, wishing her good night. She did the same, got out of the building and tried to let the cold wind on her face calm her thoughts down while going back to her hotel.
Back at her hotel, she tried to write some new lyrics but she had literally no inspiration at all. She wanted to keep her thoughts away from all the negative things, and those were usually the ones that gave her inspiration and motivation to writ. She didn't want to be sad, but it felt like her brain didn't give her a break and wanted her to just worry about everything without a proper reason. Her demons were calling her name and she was slowly starting to freak out again. Every time she felt anxious she tried to call her sister - now again, but she didn't answer. She breathed out loud a few times, staring at the ceiling of her hotel room. She had nothing to do, no one to talk to and she didn't know what to do with herself. She couldn't control herself or her feelings. She just wanted to scream and get all her thoughts out by telling everyone what she was thinking but that would just worry people and that was the last thing she wanted. She thought that way because the reason for her break-up with Lewis was that he blamed her for making a too big number of herself and her problems, when in all reality she just needed to be taken care of and loved. He didn't made her feel too good and they just had to call it quits. Afterwards she moved to London on her own, trying to find a way to continue life without him. It was weird after all those years, but she tried her best. Some days were better, some worse. She wrote many songs, because music was all she had - her only friend at the worst times.
She tried to keep her mind off from going to all those dark thoughts and back to the old memories she didn't want to remember. She tried to help herself with going to a bubble bath. That was going to kill some time and she would have an opportunity to relax after the day. Right when she stepped in the bath she made for herself, her mind started running around again. It was like she couldn't control it either. It's like she was just an unknown person watching her mind running around, not being able to do anything to it even though she wanted to. She closed her eyes and saw flashbacks of her and Lewis together in France, on the beach. She saw herself laying on his arms, while in reality she put her arms around herself, trying to feel somehow safe in her own skin. Most days she didn't feel too good being herself. With her hands around her body she realized how uncomfortable she felt herself in her own skin. She needed to do something to it, but she didn't know what. Something that would make her feel better. That's when she got the idea of skipping a few meals. It wouldn't matter that much, she would only lose a few pounds and that's it. She would be happy with what she saw in the mirror and she would stop. She promised herself.
YOU ARE READING
POISON ON MY MIND
Fanfiction"She's brutally broken and has her own ways to survive, but in all her darkness she still has the courage to treat other people gently. And that's what I call angelic."
