Deep

Deeper Then black

THis was bad, my aniexty was getting worse. I just want to be valued and have a good life and be sucessful at a freindship in life. Then freindships turn into a big mess for 2 years now this was my second bestfreind. 

My thoughts were killing me, i held it in for so long. I was battleing with my thoughts i was battling with my self. Im crying, my eyes were raw from wiping them.. I thought she cared about me? 

MY problem was that i get so attached to people and i start to trust them then something tragdric happens then i loose trust then it makes my anxiety go up really far. Then i over think, and overthink. 

Im so ashamed in this world can i just please end it? Please? I overthought it all.. and im so fed up with it. 

Maby taking a shower will help me not think about this, im still crying. Turns out it dident help me think... im done.. Instead i went out and got a razor and start cutting across both arms, verticly on both arms near my wrists. And all the way up my arms. they were all over my arms. Every second all think that i fucked up ill swipe that razor across my arm feeling the numbness i had... riping my skin open feeling the pain, and then the blood apearing. I did on both arms, my body feeling numb i sat down in the shower. Feeling the pain and numbness, whatching the blood crawl out or my arm and near my wrists. 

I stood up not breathing, loosing so much blood. All i could see was black, i fell down feeling weak not able to lift up my legs and arms. i stood back up... i think i fainted for 15 minutes becouse i probally stoped breathing, and my brain dident get enough oxygen.. I looked at my arms there were still pouring out blood.. My hearing was dull enough that i couldent hear. 

My mom knocks on there door and she said "Bonnie is everything ok?" 

Im weak... i was barely strong enough to put a towel on and i opend the door and say "I dont know". 

I looked at my moms face she was screaming at me, her expression was mad and scared. 

"I need to lay down."  

I layed down on my bed naked and fell asleep, i woke up in despiar. 

I looked at my arm they were all pathched up withband aids and my mom probally dressed me. I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, im cold and im pale as fuck i look like a fucking ghost. 

I went back to bed pretending nothing ever happend. Hoping some joy would cross my mind and ill wake up and die, or find peace.