Moving On

I dont even know

So writing things help according to my counselor so I thought I would give it a try. Hmmm....this is really odd but most of the people that read this won't know me so at least I won't hear judgement right?
Anyways, in my last thingy I had written I had mentioned shit about a boy and girl who were "in love" and the struggles throughout the relationship. Whelp basically the girl was me , sadly, and the boy was a guy I'm in "love" with....still. So, unfortunately we are no longer together. Quite saddening I know. In the relationship I was depressed and was just going through a stage of grief. My parents had decided to separate in the sixth grade and I never actually went through or completed the phase in which a child becomes sad and emotional. I never really understood why all of my emotions were kind of thrown at me , I never had anyone else to talk to about them either. I just sat and kept my thoughts to myself and took my feelings out in a different way.

When I had met Jesse at school he instantly become something I was addicted to. I know that sounds really weird but that's the best way I can explain it. We were great and happy until I started getting too attached. I began to trust him , which don't get me wrong it was great momentarily but it was a mistake. I shouldn't have told him my problems let alone be the cause of his problems. I told him everything basically & he told me everything for the most part. Now I know everyone believes you can't fall in love at such a young age, but I really did. I honestly thought it was going to be the crush type relationship where you like each other and break up in a month or less. It wasn't , it lasted for already 9 months before his parents forced us to stop talking.
If I could I would go back in time and fix it all, me cutting and hating life, all of the arguments, the jealousy, and I would have tried harder. I can't though and I'm guilty for every mistake made. I don't hate myself anymore, I enjoy breathing though it's quite hard sometimes. Never would I have thought that I could have made him feel so bad to the point he became depressed and started to harm himself. I had taught him to hate himself and I feel awful about it. I miss him a lot but I have to live with the fact I'm the one who fucked up. I'm the one making myself unhappy. Trying to move on is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have tried to make my relationships like the one I had with him but it doesn't work. He thinks I'm a hoe or a whore or whatever he thinks but all I'm trying to do is keep my own sanity. I can't sit here and grieve over not having him because I would drive myself insane . I just hope he knows I do love him though. He currently hates me and that's understandable and acceptable but he doesn't understand that him moving on hurts me too. When I said forever and always I meant it. Love lasts forever.

Whelp that probably makes no sense & is quite pitiful in my opinion but I was trying a new coping skills so there you go. Please excuse the Grammer errors also I was writing this on the bus and currently tired so sorry....