It had been one month since prom night and Maddie is still harassing me with about 74 texts a day and it’s really pissing Tate off. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket as I made my way up the stairs and towards the flat that Tate, Morgan Freeman and I share together. I mean I would have taken the phone out of my pocket but I was wearing extremely tight camouflage hot pants so the vibration felt quite nice plus it was probs Maddie and I really don’t want to talk to that fugly bitch. I mean what could she possibly want; all I did was run off with her ex-boyfriend after he’d already cheated on her with my sister and got her pregnant. Like what’s her problem?
The phone finally stopped vibrating as I reached the flat door. It was a bright blue door with all of our faces painted onto it; it was a piece of art I tell you. I kicked the door open with my third leg and shuffled into the room and stood there looking kind of like a tripod. You see turns out the vibration felt a lot better than I thought it did hello 8 foot boner. Okay so I was a bit of a wonky tripod considering my legs were not 8 foot also but I think you get my drift.
‘’Hello Sweetie’’ I heard a deep masculine voice from behind me followed by the slam of the door. I turned around to be greeted by my 8 foot boner completely knocking Cher into the fireplace. She caught on fire but it didn’t seem to faze her, and she just started walking towards the bathroom. ‘’It’s probably best if I go stand under the shower and cool myself down a bit’ she sung in fiery passion filled voice.
I dragged my erect penis into mine and Tate’s bedroom and manoeuvred my boner into my special boner sling. After a few minutes of waiting Tate danced in wearing nothing but a pink tutu, I could help but think how sexy he looked but I knew that if I were to try IT with him my boner would split him in half. I mean literally like it would literally rip him from the anus upwards, it wouldn’t be pretty to say the least. He made his way towards me and placed a warm kiss upon my cheek. ‘’I’ve just had an apostrophe’’ He gasped ‘’I think you mean an epiphany’’ I replied between through a fit of giggles.
He crossed his arms and glared at me and told me to shut up. Oo I loved it when he got angry. ‘’Well either way I have a really good idea’’ He smirked at me before removing the tape that was keeping Morgan Freeman stuck to the wall. ‘’Come on Morgan, help me carry Harvey’s boner outside’’ he says in a commanding voice. We all start making our way outside with Tate and Morgan basically pulling me out by my boner, I literally had no choice as I didn’t really fancy having my dick ripped off. I guessed it probably this was probably another one of Tate’s ideas of our version of the pants dance, you know seeing as my penis is too big to actually do the frickle frackle. We finally got outside onto the bit of grass that was dead in front of the block of flats and as we did I heard Tate shout to Riff Raff to start blowing up the inflatable swimming pool.
He has finished inflating it and placed it just a bit further than the end of my boner. ‘’Right’’ I heard Tate say as he placed his arms around my waist ‘’we’re going to play a little game of… skipping rope, in this case it’s skipping penis, so I’d like us all to call it penipping’’ he said in voice that let us all know he was keeping in laughter. Morgan began to spin my penis around (he was able to it was like a semi now) and Tate started jumping. Riff Raff tried to join in but I accidentally managed to knock him out with my dick as he jumped in at the wrong angle. It started to feel super nice and I knew I was about to explode and I think Tate knew too as he came up next to me and ordered Morgan to stop spinning and to place my penis into the swimming pool.
Tate got dangerously close to my ear and whispered ‘Blast off’ just as I literally fucking exploded (not literally I think we all know what I’m getting at here) and literally filled up the swimming pool, I wasn’t really sure why he wanted it in the swimming pool though, I’m sure this would have been great nutrition for the grass and plants out here. My penis shrunk back to being a 1 inch wonder and I pushed it back into my hot pants.
‘’Right well by now you’re probably wondering why I got you to jizz in the swimming pool, well long story short me and Morgan have decided to decorate the living room and we needed something to stick the wallpaper up with’’ Tate said as he patted me on the back then he said something about killing 2 birds with one stone but I was too busy trying to come to terms with the fact I was now going to get dragged into decorating the living room with them. Just as I thought this I felt a sudden breeze and saw an overhand flailing in the distance. I was blinded by the beauty as she walked towards me along with 5 other boys singing singing something like what makes us beautiful I don’t know.
I finally realised it was just Lianne and One Direction walking up towards their flat as they lived in the same block as us, she walked past me with her orange and black hair bouncing as she went. That’s when I realised I should probably go and help Tate and Morgan bring the swimming pool into the flat.
Quick reminder that I'm a friend of Bryony's and I write this as kind of an inside joke thing I'm not taking the piss out of The Popularity Debt right okay awesome
