Because it was Love

uno.

"She was born with her eyes wide open. A need to passion, she found beauty in everything she saw. Every person she met she noticed the dimples in their smile, the creases in their eyes. As fragile as the petals of a flower, she was gorgeous and radiant, standing in the sun with her arms wide open. She was born with a soul that could only be filled with one as majestic as hers, and that when she met him. And they survived together. Two flowers in a hurricane. Seeking beauty in one another, this was you and I."~ Two Flowers In A Hurricane

Sam's PoV

3AM

It's three in the morning and I feel like shit. It's about now when I'd send you long paragraphs of how I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about you. It's now when I'd proclaim my love to you in short simple phrases. It's now that I feel it the most, it's now that I miss you more than ever.

But you said you didn't care. You left after everything we've been through. After you said you loved me. It couldn't have been a lie. There must have been some truth to the relationship we held.

It was love.

It was love.

I keep repeating over and over, wondering when it all ended, where it all went wrong. I know it was love. Because what else could it have been? 

Good morning.

I wake up at 11:47. Positively crack-of-dawn for me. I yawn and sit up, looking for the book I was reading a couple hours earlier, but everything is a blur. I sigh, feeling around for my prescription glasses. When I finally find them, and the will to get out of bed, it's now 12:15. 

I make my way downstairs, in just my boxers. I scroll through my messages and reply to my friends and then I scroll through twitter for the latest news. I make myself a cup of coffee and I sit at the kitchen table to give myself the daily pep talk.

It's one day. You did it yesterday. Today will be okay. 

I don't remember when I started needing pep talks. It's like when I don't have my glasses on. One big blur. When I'm done with my coffee, I go back upstairs to finish my book. All The bright Places by Jennifer Niven. I don't know why I'm re-reading it as it made me cry the first two times. There's just something captivating about it I guess. Or maybe that's my biased opinion. 

I remember when you'd read to me

   I remember whispering in the dark, I could barely see your face. Your head on my chest, our legs tangled, your fingers interlocking with mine. A perfect fit. Sometimes you'd read from your favourite books, yawning softly. I remember whispering sweet nothings in your ear as you fought sleep. I remember I'd kiss your cheek and tuck you in, a small smile on my face as you fell asleep. Just before climbing out your window I'd look back at you, sleeping soundly still wearing my sweatshirt that you said you'd never give back, and I'd smile more, whispering, "I'll see you tomorrow" .

   I remember I'd spend every waking moment thinking about you, thinking of the secrets we shared. I remember you told me you felt safe in my arms. I remember you saying you never wanted us to end. I remember the cuddles that turned to kisses and hickeys trailing down your neck. Wide smiles every morning when I woke you up by tapping on your window. The walks to school, your hand in mine. I remember all the inside jokes, the moments of shared silence, the shared cups of tea in the afternoon and the coffee the morning after. Always black for you and two sugars for me. 

    I remember every god damned moment of it. I remember I told you I loved you as you fell asleep. But you don't remember it. Not one detail. I guess it never meant as much to you as it did to me. Or you'd be in my arms instead of his. Maybe one day you'll see his eyes on every other girl but you. Maybe one day you'll realize he doesn't love you. Not like I do. Maybe you won't be out smoking his cigarette. Maybe you'll stop drinking and start back reading. And maybe we'll have more conversations like we had before- our legs tangled, fighting sleep, giggling as we tried to keep each other awake, all bundled up together under your sheets. And you'd be back in the safety of my arms. But I guess you like dangerous right? So I guess its best friends forever right? 

I slam the book down on the table, running a hand through my messy hair. I shouldn't be thinking of her. I shouldn't be thinking of Saeri. She made it clear she didn't love me anymore. God but it was love. It couldn't have been anything else but love. I don't know why she ended it or why she left me for him. We were happy. Was I not enough? Was I a horrible boyfriend? I scream in frustration, tugging at my hair. I hated this torture. I hated not knowing why. I hated that she didn't care anymore. I wish I could call her mine once more. I wish she'd talk to me. But she doesn't, not since she got popular. I don't matter to her anymore. I'm just another one of her 'friends'. 

I sigh and sit back in my chair, wiping tears from my eyes. There's a sense of restlessness in me. I need to keep moving to forget her. I pull on a pair of pants and a sweatshirt and I head downstairs. I grab my keys and soon enough I'm out the front door and driving as quickly as I can through the private residential. As I reach the highway, I speed off, almost reaching 120 mph.

Lost thoughts and half eaten sandwiches litter the floor of my car. Long drives and slow songs. Racing mind, racing heart. Driving faster to drown it out. Unwanted life coursing through my veins, creating symphonies, keeping in time with my thoughts. A sickening lullaby. At the next red light, I take a shot and then another. I inhale once more my toxic saviors. 

I still think of you, sitting beside me in the passenger seat. My hand on your thigh, sneaking a glance at you as you animatedly talked about your latest book obsession. I'd laugh at your snide remarks about me being an arrogant asshole when I said I didn't see the point of reading. I see it now. There's an insanely addictive need to lose yourself in a good book. To forget about the world and to be able to find a quiet place within yourself to see everything that these characters have been through, to see the beauty in the little things each character does and to find a great sense of joy in becoming one with a novel. There's a beauty to losing yourself inside a book and to fall in love with characters and to see things differently from another person's point of view. 

She's the type of person people write about. The type of person you fall in love with as you read about their flaws. She's the person everyone wants. But she's also a hurricane. A beautiful storm of emotions. She's strong-willed and amazing. She stands for what she believes in and she loves unconditionally. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. 

Her dark blue eyes carry emotions that can't be describe using the English language. Such depth that even the deepest ocean trenches could not compare. The will in her eyes is so harsh and captivating, but her soft brown hair contrasts perfectly, creating the most beautiful image of something so simple, yet not. Her conflicting personality, itself a contradiction, working in sync to create absolute perfection and disaster at the same time. She is more beautiful than the night sky. She is everything to me and I don't know how I fucked up so badly. 

I hate every day that she's not in my life. I should've fought harder for her. For that Saeri who is my everything. For the girl who changed my life. The one I need. But I'm foolish. Extremely foolish. But I'll have to find some way of getting her back. She must still love me. There must be something that shows it. Maybe her soft smile especially reserved for me or the hand gestures. The way she still talks to me about her day, animatedly moving her hands. She must have feelings for me.

Because it was love.