Loud Love

|| five ||

Shailene

"I shouldn't be here," he murmurs, his fingers drumming against my side, his lips working magic on my neck.
"Then why'd you come?" I groan, fishing his hair, barely able to control myself.

I missed the way his hands roamed my covered body, the way he never pressured me into removing a piece of clothing. He was perfectly okay with keeping our relationship non-sexual.

"We have something," he sighs, finally breaking his mouth away from my pale skin. "We have something that shouldn't be lost."
"It was never lost," I concede. "Simply broken, Theo."

I will never forget the way my heart shattered when collecting the panties out of the trash, when I smelled an odd sensation on my love.

But now I will never forget how I so easily let him into my apartment, an hour ago. How his face was down, his lip between his shining teeth, and his hair shaggy from the drive to my place.

"Shai, I don't know what way to prove I'm sorry, more than I already have,"
"Theodore, you went to see Ruth today," I smile sadly. "You aren't so sad that you'd give her up."
"Baby—"
"Don't. Don't baby me. I'm not your baby girl anymore."

My lust and need for him hasn't changed, my common sense has just kicked in since his soft sips detached from his skin.

"What were we just doing then?"
I gulp, and force the need to say 'relieving my love for you,' away.
"I don't know," my reply is feeble. I want him so badly, with every force in my body I need him.

I love him.

"Please Shailene," he begs me. "Please baby, please." At this point I'm unsure what he's begging for. Even if he said it aloud I don't know if I'd understand, considering I admitted to myself that I love this man. I love him.

I'm simply stuck on the high, my lungs finally taking in what seems to be fresh air for the first time. I nearly giggle, I love him.

"What exactly are you begging for, my love?" I ask the nagging question, only to buy myself time. Oh, how I need more time to remain on this high. I need more seconds to turn to minutes, to give into hours, and last for days, months, years, decades, a life time.

Oh how I needed more time with the man I loved that could never be mine.

Certainty that my feelings were not returned were the only thing that kept me from giving him the only piece of me he hadn't taken. I would've slowly taken off every scrap of clothing, I would've lulled that ache that I'm sure he felt for the years we were together.

I would've done it gladly, had he felt the same way.

"You," I lurch from my mind with a small jump, and the word he spoke reforms in my mind a few times before I can process it. "I'm begging for you."

Fucking hell. Fucking love enforced hell.

He couldn't possibly be begging for me, seconds ago I was certain he didn't want me. How could this all become a game of trust- something I was short on these days?

Because I wanted to trust him . . . But how could that be so when hours ago he was sitting in a coffee shop, probably proclaiming the same feelings he says to have for me, to Ruth?

'Maybe I wont be so single anymore'

"Did," I zpause, not knowing quite what I want to say. "Did you beg for Ruth, too?"

I know how he will spring from the couch in a moment or two. And I'm sure as hell ready for him to glare at me and run through the door.

Because as much as the words hurt me, and seem to burn me into ashes, he is feeling pain too.

Regret nags at the area he touched only moments ago, and I close my eyes quietly, without taking a breath.

"I begged," he chokes out, and I feel the tears starting to bring my eyelids. "But I didn't beg for her- I begged for her forgiveness, but not for her."
"What's the difference?" My eyes open wide, as I look up at him.
"The difference is I didn't fucking love her with every bone, every ounce, of my existence!"
"But you do want her! Huh?"

Our voices have risen to shouts, and I find my arms raised, and I'm no longer laying on my couch.

"I don't know," his voice sends whips of pain through my spine, and I almost collapse on my knees in tears.

This scene is all to familiar, it's a near replica of what happened before the man I love left our apartment, for what I hoped to be for good.

"That's the problem," I sigh through my tears. "You don't know. I can't be with a man who did love me, and doesn't know if he wants another women or not."
"So you want me to love you right off the bat? To just love you again? That quickly?"
"I want you, to want me!" I cry out, shaking my head, and holding my stomach like I might fall apart.

"I don't want you to think you want me," my voice shakes with pain. "I want you to know you want me, to know that you want me to be yours. You need to know that there's a very big chance you might love me again."

"That's it?" He demands.
"And I want you to get out," I finish.

*Pills & Potions
Niki Minaj

a/n: apologizes to make there rounds! this chapter is only about 930 words, and my huge absence is horrible i must say!! but im back, and writing is just so, so great:) i hope you'll eagerly jump back in! talk to you later my loves xo xo