Hopeless

Prologue

I don't exactly know how to begin this but here I go. This is my letter or goodbye note or suicide letter or whatever. I wanna write to my brother first.

Aaron, I miss you. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about you. I feel empty without you, I need you here. I loved you so much and you brought actual joy into my life. Sometimes I would have dreams that you came back and everything was perfect. Mom and Dad were happy and I was loving life. It's funny how things can change so drastically. Damn, I wish I could see your smile or even just hug you, and soon I'll be able to.

Mom, I don't even know if you'll read this or if you'll care that I'm dead but I'm writing to you anyways. I know you hated me. I know you wish I never existed, so I'm doing you a favor. I know you think everything is my fault, but it isn't. I'm not perfect, hell I am nowhere near perfect. I'm sorry I couldn't be that beautiful, talented, and amazing daughter you wished for. I tried so fucking hard to please you, but I'm worn out. I gave up. So don't miss me too much, even though I know you won't. I just need some closure. I'm sorry that I ruined our family. I'm sorry that for all of the stress I caused you. I know it's all my fault. I hope one day you can forgive me.

Dad, I've had dreams that you would come back and hug me and stay sober for the rest of your life. But I know you wouldn't do that. I know I've caused you your problems and I feel like shit for it but I'm sorry. I want the old you back. I want you to love me again and actually care for me. I just want my old life back, when I was normal. When everything was normal. I'm sure you were an amazing person, but I didn't really get to see that. Take care of yourself.

To the few people that I've actually talked to since highschool ended, thank you. You've made me feel a bit better about myself. I didn't feel as alone as usual when you said "Hi!" or even smiled at me. Nobody has been there for me for the past couple of years so thank you for being as close as someone could get for me. I appreciate it.

I didn't understand why I got to be sad all day long when my other friends would have a grand time everyday. They got boyfriends while I got books. They got more popular and I got quieter. They got to be happier, and I wanted to be dead. They were all so talented and I was barely making it through the day.

All I ever do is cause problems. My "friends" won't miss me. My teachers won't miss me. I'm not meant to live. All I ever do is suffer. I have given up. On life, on looks, on feelings, on everything. So this is goodbye. I can't wait to get out of this place.

And lastly, please do not cry over me. I gurantee you that I am not worth the time.

-Thea