Behind the Scenes of Cadmium Beesley

Intro

Dear self, 

It is people like you that make me want to crawl up in a ball and just stab my eyes out with a fork. 

Okay, so i guess i was a bit of a complete idiot and maybe i did isolate myself from my friends a little bit but still there is a thing called loyalty. Ever heard of that?

Have you ever been so into a friendship, like you feel this person is your best friend and you are so nervous around them because you want to be their best friend, you want to be those 'friendship goals' but they're just not into it like you think they are. You know that awful feeling when you have a best friend but then she's not really your best friend because she has another best fired who is also your close friend but you feel as if you are in competition with her. 

This past year i have done a lot of growing as a person, I have come to terms with myself and learnt how to control my, the only nice way to put it, spastic behaviour. I can give credit for a lot of that to the realisation that my besets finds in the entire world, the people that i treasured, that even though they made me cry and at night i would thin to myself 'don't worry you only have two more years left', the people my whole world centred around didn't like me as much as i liked them.

Apparently I was unbearable, annoying and always in some sort of mood. I dyed my hair and started to hang out with one of my closer friends group. Although they made me SUPER nervous because i wanted to make a good impression, i distanced myself from the people who made me feel like shit and to be honest I've never felt better.

I saw them the other day, we hung out and I was back to my old self, the self that i tried so hard to get rid of, the self that they especially hated.

Can i just be blunt. I hate them, i couldn't be more angry because I am way to scarred to join the friendship group that i desperately want to be apart of.

So apparently its good to get your feelings out by writing it down, so thats why i'm trying. Im going to write everything out, every little pang of anger and hurt. Everything.